dancing on foreign land

maybe what i needed all along, was to keep moving around. I've lived in different countries for different lenghts of time. I was fine, happy, productive and progressing.


Maybe it isn't meant for me to be in one place for this long. Because as great, as free, as diverse, fascinating, as expensive, as many opportunites people have in the US, I don't seem to be experiencing life as I should be.


I have no home. I am a stranger in my own country, an immigrant in this one. I cannot go anywhere and claim it my own. I am my own home. And my house is chaotic, crazy, unstable, emotional, distant, confused. My home is dirty.


Maybe I just need a fresh start, on fresh soil, in a different time zone, and culture, and mentality. Maybe that's what kickstarts my journey...a move.


I can change my number, change my friends, I changed my school, I can change my address. But as long as I am here... I am fucking depressed, and annoying, and crazy, and unstable. I have a better life than most. But I am still unhappy, empty, resentful, distraught, inactive.


I have to consider moving. Cuz I don't think there is any foward movement in the cards for me here.

foooeyyy

Life is way harder in this country than people realize. If you don't have the right paperwork, you will sweat, bleed, cry, stand on your feet for hours, and even when you think you found a good gig, you will notice the subtle attempts at being taken advantage of. You will soon realize the bullshit you will put up with just to ensure that money makes it to your account at the end of the week. You will tolerate it from people whom you are smarter than, more experienced and cultured than, and you will hate it.






I ain't no bird, despite what people think. I've been educated in many a countries including this one. I have parents whose sole purpose in life is to portray the perfect family. I know how important image is. I also know how much I could give two shits what someone thinks about me.






I know that whatever face you put out there in the world, someone will respond. I know if I look ridiculously hood, idiot wanna-be gangstas will holla. I know if I'm on my prep status, pretentious horny dickheads will holla. So i choose to just be me. I'm tomboy tima. Sweats and a hoodie, the occasional jeans here and there, and a fresh pair of Converse All-stars if nothing else. Don't get it twisted, I know how to dress when it's neccesary. But I don't judge anyone for how they look. I won't sit here and say "geez, he must be smart and rich, why with his Polo shirt and all."






My boss had the nerve to tell me to get a new wardrobe with the money she " gives" me. " You will attract all sorts of bums, ya hear?" Mind you, the time she is saying this, I've already changed into my house clothes from my street clothes so that I may be able to fufill my duties to her son and her home. Jeans and a Polo shirt is what I need according to her.






" Oh yea?" I said nothing else. I know she's trying to "help" me. But umm, I'm not in an office, I'm in the house, and I'm taking care of a kid who thinks playing video games all day is considered reading, critical thinking, and productive.






I've learn to put my pride to the side. I happen to think my sense of fashion is simple, quirky, and just comfy. I don't care to have an 'allll name brand down to my undies' outfit on. I like the Gap, I like Old navy shirts, and I like anything that says something funny on it. I like my converse, my Adidas, my nikes. I don't, however like being judged.

Losing control when tryna control....

My whole life, up till 6 monts ago, I've been this relatively calm female. I laugh things off, see the upside of bad situations, and pretty much let things roll of my back. I don't hold grudges, and I find arguments, not debates, futile and unneccessary.






For some odd reason, my stint wit the African ( Mandigo my beloved) has been a very emotional, unstable, tear filled, and very out of character for me. I didn't understand why. I figured..." damn, I'm sprung off this dude." How do I fix this?






Even he said I was different, and becoming more neurotic than my usual self. He thought he broke me. I thought I lost my mind. I thought alot of things, one of them being that it was my transition from my normal self into the whole "Dione Family Psych Ward." (God knows that whole side needs to be there.)The point is I was freaking confused and having tear filled emotional breakdowns damn near twice a week. My friends and family think it's bi-polar disorder. They always use that excuse though. So many little battles with my brothers, It's like we were 7 and 5 again. What is wrong with me?






The only thing that has really changed for me since January 05, aside from my boyfriends, my job, and my bedroom, has been my consumption of birth control in the past 5 to 6 months.






The same birth control my mother told me I didn't need, she prefers I use condoms. The birth control I definitely never wanted to take before my relationship with someone whose life mission was trapping me into having kids with him. I've dealt with some crazy asses man.






So for the past several months, I've been consistently using the pill; Ortho Cyclen. It regulated my 28 day cycle, and lessened my cramps, didn't do much for my complexion or my weight. I never realized how much it affected me until my 8th breakup with Mandingo over bullshit that bought me to tears. Shocked as he was at my tears, I was petrified. I don't cry so easily, I don't typically care about alot of things in relationships or life in general that I find to be trivial ways of starting uneccessary bull between people.






Birth control made me a stereotypical female. Crabby, bitchy, emotionally unstable, sensitive as hell, mushy gushy, "I need my ICE CREAM A-FUCKING-S.A.P."-ish.






I was warned, many many times. Naturally I learn the hard way. I don't need anymore hormones in my system. I like the Tima I naturally am.

aiiiiii excitement

spoke to nina...things are gonna start rolling this summer...Excited once again...i dont care if someone has our name...we rock it better.I'm mad we missed tribeca and the African film festival too....I hear "Drum" starring Taye Diggs is actually worth seeing.








im gonna quit my job..."fuck life" as my brother says, im not happy so why settle for the bullshit. I'm young enough to feel that i can do anything with my life. I won't feel the whole, 'what the hell am i doing with my life guilt' just yet. I have to quit, it keeps me up and away from all that i love and wish to accomplish. It was always just a temporary hussle, and now I have become my job. and besides, Syrone needs friends who don't live at their jobs...








still dating my African. my cousin Yamz says it sounds like I'm his slavemaster. I can't help it. I don't like dispensing too much information about my guy so I give them lil nicknames and talk about our experiences. with all my crazy exe's willing to shoot people to try and get back with me, i can't be giving out the governments.








my allergies are kicking my ass...I can't breathe one day, I'm itching the next day, I'm doing that throat scratchy thing thats really loud my mom hates...and she brings flowers into the house as if she's tryna keep me out...she knows im sickly with flowers in my air space. spring is definitely here for me. meaning it's my born day season...22 finally. eeuww I'm getting all grown.








myspace has permitted me to reconnect with so many friends from the past. I've moved so much. It feels good to know that they're still alive and well and actually remember me. I've lived in some places for no more than 3 months. I'm glad I left peach dust all over the place. I've missed so many people...now we're grown!








i just feel good right now. not because things are going right, but because i know they will get better. i will have more time to be myself and enjoy the things that make me happy. i'll be broke, but i'll be back in school, spending time with my peoples, building, attending events, might even join an organization (one that hasn't been founded in my basement with my brothers and cuzins) or start one...who knows? i need to do something cuz my mind is in overdrive. live and let live people, life is too short. foo!

my business partner

...so we tryna build this empire by starting out making films and documentaries. Her name is Nina. She's the half that wants everything done A.S.A.P and gets absolutely irritated if she feels she's not being listened to. A spoiled brat, yes she is. But so am I. I have my ideas, I kn0w they fly and I want them executed. If not I catch my attitude and basically say " It's wateva!" which absolutely irritates Nina to no end because she feels like now I'm quiting since things ain't going my way. We are soooo immature and very spoiled in our own ways. But for some reason we work well together...I'm the calm professional one, she's the wild uncencorsed energy we need on board. Absolute irony, since outside of 'Tantrum Production' I'm the extrovert, crazy, loud one and she's the laid back, chill, 'let's smoke an L' one.







...Basically, yesterday was our 'Tantrum' day out. We basically realized that we know absolutely nothing about each other beyond the basic everyday sarcasm and corny jokes. So I began to wonder, would that make it easier to be business partners or harder. I trust no one. She took offense when I suggested we actually get a lawyer. I know she probably feels that we're at a point in our friendship where we should be comfy with each other but... all i know is that we're on the same team, but do we want the same things?







...We need a team. I like to do everything my way. But I guess a team is necessary when tryna make a film. I hate telling people what to do because when they do it wrong, I spazz out. A bit of a perfectionist I guess. But I'm not relying on many of my friends to fill the positions on my team for the simple fact that most of them already feel the friendship should permit alot of different things to go down between us. I'd rather work with completle strangers. Is that fucked up ?







...Well, I don't know. We need to set some ground rules, I guess. Let's just see how this goes.

ya pushing me even further.

madness on my brain, i resort to solitude. Is it so wrong i want to be left alone? with the constant reminders of my imperfections, i just want to work on what's mine. can you let that rock for like five minutes, or is that stupid pout gonna be your only expression?






i think i should just move to France. That way you can't get mad that i don't come see you. Or leave me nasty messages on my voicemail because i didn't answer the first or eight call.






last time i checked, i was alone in this struggle. so what do i owe you?






just let me be...just let me make my mistakes.

...crap

...i got the flu. Yes, it's definitely a conspiracy.







...i was partying, having fun...laughing out loud at every corny but somewhat funny joke, when suddenly...the cacophony of laughter was interrupted with what sounded like a painful strain of the vocal cords. It was actually a 'snough' (sneeze/cough). One that produced a disgusting amout of phlegm. I was shocked. Just three days ago i was boogie-oogie all over the dance floor. Why now?






...then, it dawned on me. It was the powers that were against my activities in the first place who are responsible. My mother, uncles, and all the bitter ex-boyfriends who don't get to see my great teeth when i smile. They are the ones who made up this indestructible flu virus and injected in me somewhere between my fourth apple maritini and that turkey burger from three nites ago.







...Now i'm sick, and worst of all...i start working in the restaurant i quit in september, tomorrow night. How will i charm my patrons into giving me all their money as tips, if i can barely get a word out? I gotta postpone. I gotta battle this...pray for me!

friendship smienship?

why do people always confuse friendship with association? Just because i know you through someone or some perticular event links us, doesn't mean we're friends. My making your aquaintance doesn't mean you're invited into my circle or trust and love....you earn spots on my lists.







...i feel like i'm in high school all over again....grow up lil ones.

Good Hump Day

Yesterday had to be the peak of my week...




Went bowling with ma homies TeeTee, Pooh and Mimi....




Let's just say ....we had a ball...lol.