freaking thursday!

today might as well be monday as shitty as it's been. Seems like everything is going bad for everyone. I feel like absolute shit and the rain, although it usually relaxes me, didn't make anything better or easier for me.

I was thinking about getting into politics, not to become a diplomat or anything but doing something. I'd have to do more research to see what my options are. I've inherited alot from my father and i think I'd do a good job. My attention span would pose as a problem but i think that goes for anything i plan to do. Eh who knows what I'll end up doing...I need to center myself and start taking responsibility for my life, seems like no one else want to. I just dont know where to start but i guess it's just one of those things you just gotta jump into. I can't exactly think about it or else it'll try and psych myself out and place blame on other people. Daney knows what i mean if no one else does. I'm not up for explaining anything today. Things gotta start changing and the only way that'll happen is if i get off my fat ass and make em. It's so depressing out today. I need money...

Tonight the first presidential debate will air on tv. I can't wait. Do ya know, i've been going around NYC yelling, " Vote John-John 2004" and i dont even know much about the democratic candidates. I'm not too sure what their platforms are and what they say they're gonna work on while in office, so tonite should give me a good idea. If i could vote, i'd go for them just because they are the lesser of two evils. Bush needs to just go hide in a hole and count his money or something. I was so hurt and shamed when i found out he's a gemini, but then again that explains alot. I still want that shirt with a girls lower extremeties and his picture saying, " good bush, bad bush". Talib was rocking that one in XXl magazine. I also noticed that i volunteer alot of uneccessary information, but fuck it, it's what flows from my mind.

In other news, i miss my hs english class, and i think Mr. Vicari should be a college proffessor. I would definitely pass all my classes, not because i know he thinks i'm strange but likes me nonetheless, but because he was the only real teacher i'v ever had. He challenged me and made me tap into the darkest part of my mind so i can bring out the best of me in all my work...God i'm all sappy and shtuff. I think i'll pay him a visit tmorrow. I miss his warm hugs and symbolisms.

I think i'll give my father a call and see how Germany is treating him. I can't wait till i can tour europe. Hopefully that'll be next summer if nothing goes well here in the states. I need some inspiration, an italian lover, and some crepes. I've been wanting to go to Italy since i was a wee little peach. I've made it to France though on a few occasions, and i just found out that my mothers brother is residing in Madrid with a really rich wife. So spain here i come. Some one should come with me. Who wants to tour europe after i get back from Miami with my older bros? Comeon guys, once in a lifetime opportunity! Summer 2005 is right around the corner gotta start planning now! Hit me up...well email me cuz I STILL DONT HAVE A PHONE!

ciao

No life without Technology...

I absolutely cannot continue living like this. It seems like i'm back in the stone age, or a village deep in my country. Living this life without technology, in New York...I'm depressed as hell. Haven't seen anything on cable tv. I have, however, managed to sneak in a couple of football games here and there at friends' houses. Sad but neccessary, gotta keep up with my teams.

My phone bill is $551.16 - before any comments, those of you who know me, it's the 99 cent store bills that pilled up because i thought Nextel would give me a break. Naive? Yes, but it was the month and a half of service that fooled me. Sprints cuts u off if you're a penny over i hear...(sigh) either way, I'm screwed. I don't even know the internet story, i just miss it. Dial-up sucks! I need a palm pilot....

In other news, just this saturday i had a revalation. I've realized that i am a 'serial dater'. The men in my life represent something deep...so deep I'm not even gonna touch it...( ah-ha)

With nothing but school, the never ending search for inner peace and a really good diet to keep me busy, I have no choice but to indulge in the words of others. Reading has become a big part of my life again. One that disappeared when I discovered that socializing satisfies my soul. Hmm...well "New York" and "Psychology today" were this weeks magazine picks.

Apparently there's this skinny-pregnant woman craze going on these days, especially in NYC. I'm not gonna lie, my sole purpose for wanting to lose weight is so i can look cute during pregnancy. My godson's mother and ex-college suitemate, ( watup birdie?!?) looked absolutely marvelous before, during, and after pregnancy. We call her the M.I.L.F. of the group (mmc 4life). I don't want to lose my sense of self cuz i decided to get knocked up. I like my physical self, took me years to love physical me. I'd hate for a big-headed mini-me or mini-husband to mark his/her territory by fucking up what i've worked so hard on maintaining. ( NOtice i said husband...not babyfather) Maybe the physical is trivial, but i'm attached to it. Not quite the Platonist here. I know for sure I wouldn't jeapordize my baby's health though. That's not me and it's definitely not that serious. It's just fat and vaginal elasticity and appearance anyway. O : )

In time i'll get over it and live with fat. Hopefully, i don't transform into a beast. Ok this has become girl-talk, sorry guys. Back to present Tima!

My phone will be on within the next 10-14days. I'm actually working on it. Gotta rebuild my bridges again. Life is hard man! I miss my circles. I need intellectuals in touch with their hearts around me, I'm no longer stimulated. I'll be taking applications until Halloween (10/31) I need some rebuilding my damn self...Let's hope i can fit that in between this 5 pg paper and planning my birthday party. (sigh) Tuesday...i usually smile on Tuesdays...

English Class

Chills traveling down my vertabrae, forcing out shivers through my skin. Rubbing my hands together, i hope the friction produces heat for my soul. The wind blows, causing leaves to cirlce the air around me. In the midst of nature's confusion, I am alone. Standing still and holding myself. Yearning for the touch of another, for the only comfort I've ever really known is that of my own.

The wind carries my wishes and dreams to far away lands, as swaying branches surrender their leaves to it's uncontrollable power...fluttering about before me, whispering sad tales of solitude. Each leaf following it's designated path, traveling forth to an unknown destination. I blink, trying to follow each journey, trying to read each tear, still standing alone.

My heart steadily becomes the beat of my lonely song. The leaves whisper verses of pain and desertion, songs of thruths that could not be swallowed whole. I alone face my reality, lips lifeless so words could not be uttered, apologies could not be spoken. I've scarred many with these lips, sucking them into my world, capturing hearts with deceitful kisses. My vengeful soul raped the next man for the last's inflictions. Revolting against love, finding comfort in the pain cried by others, all the while paving my path to loniless....

Now my heart feels no love, just gusts of lust each and everytime...and there is no redemption for my sins. Forgiveness can never be granted to me...

Yea i need some loving pronto...it's getting serious guys- don't let it go down like this...

Beginning of God knows what...

So it's monday and i'm feeling quite alright, considering I've had no breakfast and I would have been late to class if the teacher was on time. Also I've got this nasty ass phlegm in my throat, just bubbling...it's nasty really. LoL I'm just kidding. But really the phlegm is there.
The cd for today is a classic. One that i know everyone can and will enjoy once they pop in. The incredible, MOS DEF-Black on both sides. Guess what guys...his new ones coming out october 19th , aren't ya freaking excited! It's called 'New Danger'( go get that asap). I know Spongeboogie is...and so is Ashbooty and NiNY! Well good by golly, i'm just so happy. Oo how can i forget my dear Ducky. I know she's just bubbling inside! Literally...In the meantime, Talib Kweli is in stores on the 28th so go get that.
Well, there's so much on my mind but i can't really express it. I'm at a loss for words when it comes to the personal and private. I can only feel it. I've reach a new level of loniless, one that feels a little like those pricks you get on your finger when you go to the doctor. Like the unsuspecting sharp pain it brings. That's how i can describe this phase. I'm always surrounded by people...or dogs, so it's not like I'm by myself. But deep down, i am. It's corny i know but hey it's me.
I've been doing alot of thinking now that I'm cut off from the world ( thanks nextel....can't even help a broke sistah out). I'm a shitty ass friend. Only because i had free incoming and it's just so much easier for me not to call anyone. My older brother, Frylock is going through something and i feel bad cuz i can't even take 5 minutes and stop complaining to listen to him. I've realized that i've made a reputation for myself and it's not a good one. I'm now known as the ' I'll call u back even though i know i'm not, undependable, sweet promises harsh reality really good friend i wish i spent more time with.' Well i just wanna take this time out to apologize, since i don't have a phone to call ya with. I'm truly am sorry from the bottom of my cold and shallow heart. I promise to be a better friend. I pinky swear I'm at least gonna try to. Cut me some slack it's bad enough i'm bipolar tryna maintain a stable life...i can't exactly be superfriend. So work with me...I promise i'll try. ok i'm bored and i see cute guys....I'm off...Love Ya all~~CiAo!

Sleepless in Yonkers...

It's been a hectic little jewish vacation. I've gotten so little sleep i don't even remember what I've done. And why the hell does everyone feel the need to wake me up so early in the damn morning...I've had so many interrupted dreams. It's too bad I'll never know if Jadakiss really loves me....(sigh)
Everyone keeps gettin on me about the damn dog. It's funny how when it comes to the money i'll get for the puppies, everyone's supportive but when it comes to feeding her, all of a sudden niggas ain't responsible for her or her shit.
Anyway, life's boring right now. I'm not talking about any dudes in this entry, they're all gettin on my nerves...Back to school tomorrow, o joy- cannot wait...really.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TENASHANAE!!!! HOPE YOU FOUND A LIQUOR STORE IN LI TO GET THE PARTY POPPING!!!

Does freedom require irresponsibility?

...Well I haven't exactly thought about it yet. Give me a minute.

Okay so i would say yes, but to a certain extent. I bring up the question because i had a conversation with my dear Daney. He just so happens to be my unofficial therapist and future husband, (if he can overlook my past). He says that in a way I'm innocent. Now now readers, i know that's laughable but give me a chance to explain. Actually I laughed too when he said that. Basically he said that i have so much self love and security that the things i do don't mark me. I don't feel guilty about anything i've done because i get the satisfaction i seek and i don't care about opinions.

It made me smile because finally, someone didn't try to make me feel bad about the choices i make in life. Which shows he truly cares and he's smart as hell. Or just that he wants some bootay and this is his way of buttering me up till i spread my legs...Let's hope it's not the latter for his sake.

Now the question is does freedom require irresponsibility? Well i consider myself free because i make choices and deal with the consequences. I live for the moment and find happiness in the weirdest places. To me, life, especially now, is about self-discovery. The only way you can truly know who you are and what your limits are is if you're placed in different predicaments. All the things that people avoid, like binge drinking and sneaking in and out of places you're not supposed to, I indulge in. Some stay that's stupid. But i bet ya $326,000 that i know myself better than you do. I know how much i can drink before i start getting dizzy, I know what places you can skip on the check after eating and what places have people waiting to arrest you. I also know what places won't hesitate to kick you out if you have and ounce of ghetto in you. Ok that has nothing to do with this...scratch that.

During this journey of self-discovery, you can't be focused on the opinions of others, cuz if you let that form your character then you might as well call yourself so & so's bitch. I don't bend over for anyone, figuratively speaking that is. My friends always say i'm crazy and wild and i'm gonna get us shot for the shit i do. If i let that bother me each and every time it was said, i probably wouldn't be so full of unrestrained enthusiasm. That's basically it, i don't let anything hold me back. I satisfy my id each and every time it calls for my attention. I can definitely say i'm like a spoiled child, but does that make me immature?

Well according to this bootleg dictionary i have, (dictionary.com lol) the definitions for childish are;

1.Marked by or indicating a lack of maturity; puerile: tired of your childish pranks.
2.Not complicated; simple.
3.Affected mentally by old age; senile

Well i know for sure i'm not senile, and I'm definitely not simple. Although i'd like to believe i am. So basically my child-like ways are a sign of my immaturity. Actually it's just me NOT listening to my super-ego. Can you tell I've been paying attention in psychology? hehe. Now for most stable humans, the battle between your id and super-ego is mediated by you Ego; here to balance it all out. Your id represents the pleasure principle while your super-ego is represents the morals and values that have been instilled in you. The ego is the reality check you get from your conscious once in a while. I consider myself a realistic person, because i always know what i'm gettin myself into. I just choose to ignore my ego and make my id happy. I guess i'ma kid at heart. But at 20 i got more stories than half my family and friends together. So ha!

I have been irresponsible in my journey, but if i was always safe i really wouldn't learn anything first hand ya dig? Now don't get it twisted, some things I just don't do, i've seen too many HIV/ AIDS commercials and too many pictures of fucked up lungs and livers to o.d. on anything. But all my scars are memories not regrets. Everything i've put myself through, even if it resulted in tears and homicidal thoughts, is a learning experience. I've had the pleasure of living my life to the best of my ability so far. Now all i have to do is get stupid rich so i can do even crazier things, but not those retarded rich people things like buy a private jet so i can fly to Jersey to watch the Giants play. I'll buy a Mercedes G- wagon for all that.

Right now i'm as free as i can be. In about 3 years, I'll be as free as i want to be. 3 years after that, i'm prolly gonna have kids cuz my freedom got me knocked up. Yea i can see it now...and I welcome it with open arms!

I'm so stupid...lol i was dead ass serious with that last entry and then i really like thought about it...fuck it I'ma find a way to pull that off....watch me work !!!

Why does everything have to be your way?

I'm becoming too comfy here at school. (Sigh) It's so boring. I wish i stayed away for school. There's nothing interesting happening, as a matter of fact it's just like high school. Fashion show, social ladder to climb, you know the usual bullshit. Ah wateva it's just education anyway.
So i've decided that i want to pledge a sorority ( Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Inc. to be exact.) I don't know many Delta's but i sure do know alot of Ques. They're everywhere : ) ! The problem is , i can only deal with a certain number of females at a time and i think to get the full experience I'd have to go away to school and pledge. I know my Spongey wants to pledge and so does my Oompa. It'd be crazy if all the Saintz became Deltas. ( The Saintz are my Marymount Family. Ram-a-saint 4 life!) I don't know though. I'ma team player when it comes to football and softball. Pledging a sorority is a lifetime commitment, even though it seems like after college it doesn't hold much weight. That might just be what it seems like. It's connections for life and plus the Delta's are about giving back to the community. I like that...it would help alot if i became a social worker.
I also thought about becoming a Black Panther. Well joining i should say. It's crazy really cuz i'm a little bit of everything but the only thing that's extreme with me are my moods. There's not one thing im 100% devoted to. If i could, i'd be the really rich revolutionary living in the Trump Towers and marching for Freedom. But i don't think you're supposed to be both. That's just what it seems like. As a revolutionary you're an outkast, a rebel and a radical. Where as the really rich people are using the system to get ahead. But why can't i use the system to fund my Revolution? Who says that can't be done? I have damn standards, and although they aren't being met just yet, i want my children to go to private school and get the best of everything and still be down to earth and for whatever cause they choose to support. Who says you gotta be one and not the other? Yo i'm bugging cuz people have really sat me down and told me i was a poser because i want money and the best things for myself while i'm fighting for freedom and tellling " The Man" about himself.
It's so true that people only see what you show them. But at the same time people only show what others bring out of them. Depending on your comfort level with a person, you might not show all your characteristics. So how is it that everyone thinks the same thing about me. " You're crazy! Wild and fun". That must mean i'm the same person all around, a flat character. But i'm everchanging. I flow with the times, i pick things up and drop em when i'm done exploring. I stick to the basics but i take everything in. I am a round character. I develop with time. So why can't i be the first really rich-Delta-Panther with a son named Che and organization that burns bras and fights the power...i'm upset now. Everyone's always got something to say. There's alot more to me than the superficial fun shit you expect from me...i guess it's just gonna take some time for you to realize that there are more layers to me...hmm.
Watch me stroll down 5th ave with my Huey Newton shirt, my afro, my coach bag and my jimmy choo shoes....a walking contradiction but that's just me!

My First Love....damn that bastard!

I honestly believe that i've been cursed since being with my first love. I always seem to make connections with people that don't last or aren't that strong. I've never felt the way i did with him and if i had the chance to do it over, I wouldn't let myself go so soon...
Never once in my life did i think my greatest pain would come from a man with such delicate hands. His soft touch would send chills up and down my spine. The moment i laid eyes on his expressionless face, i needed to know him. His baby like features captured my interest. How could a man be so innocent looking? He was attractive with a toasted almond complexion and dark eyes that made you feel so lifeless in comparison. His quiet demeanor made me wonder if he was interested. Yet in all the silence between us, i felt fireworks in my stomach. I was sitting on a cloud just looking at him. And when he touched my hand as we exchanged numbers, it left my blood boiling. With liquid fire flowing through my veins i stepped off the bus and already began feeling an emptiness in my heart.
You'd think a person who acted solely on emotion would show his heart to the world. Love kept it all inside until he felt i was ready to swim in his sea of contradictions. As loving and selfless as he was, he was equally heartless and selfish. His large rugged frame complimented his violent tempermant; at times he reminded me of a boxer. Pumped up to throw down in the ring and beat his way to victory. Nothing came easy with Love, everything was a test. Earning his trust was like singlehandedly building the Brooklyn Bridge. Everyday was a battle, with his heart as the prize. Although the feelings were there, they were well protected from the evil grasp of love. My fascination with discovering the big mystery that was Love caused me heartbreak and dissappointment. After searching for the key so long, my patience ran out. Breaking that door to his heart unleashed a force so strong that leaving him was no longer an option. I'd captured his heart and our souls connected. Unsuspecting of the things to come, my emotions lead me to opening pandora's box. Quickly, his sweet softness disappeared, leaving paranoia to overcome him. The trust I worked so hard to buildup evaporated with a single act.
I'd fallen in love and there was no one to catch me. He detached himself emotionally, reminded me time and time again that i invaded his heart and he wasn't going to let me get to his head. The innocense that drew me to him faded into the darkness and returned as a negative force, out only to push me off my cloud and bring me down to Earth. It seemed like i was with two different people. His words comforted me, leaving me wanting more, but his actions pushed me away. I finally realized that it was his fear of heartbreak that caused mine. He protected his heart so well that after some time, his love no longer shinned on me. I only felt the rain. The tears from my eyes bought on by the clouds he placed above my heart.
In the end he was only concerned for himself. I saw snake skin where his softness used to be. His sneaky tricks got him answers and the best of me. Like the devil, he got to me on false pretenses. His child-like looks were simply a way to lure the unsuspecting so his snake like qualities can tear you to pieces after choking your heart of all the love and life. Love sucks, but you never really know how strong it can be until it hurts you...
So now Vinnie is going through something and doesn't want me to help...I can do nothing but sit back and hope and pray things work out. Life doesn't suck, history just repeats itself and makes it ironic in some sense...OO i babble too much. I'm hungry now!

boredom....at its worst!

I had no idea cable was such an important part of my everyday life. I find myself staring at the walls, now that I have to be home, and singing commercials and songs I used to hear on tv. I think I might just be in need of a healthy relationship or a really good dildo...who knows these days.
I'm gonna go upstairs now and find a good book to read...

Life can't be this dull.

The Long Island Experience Continued....

So yesterday was a bit more...sane to a certain extent. We walked around LIU's campus meeting people left and right, stealing John's belonging and attempting to sell them to his neighbors for 5 bucks a piece. We even had an oreo fest in Eli the RA's room at some point, (time seems nonexistent when your stealing and licking the cream LOL!) It was interesting, reminiscent of the days i used to dorm and start trouble because i knew they couldn't do anything if i was still going to therapy claiming i'm Bipolar...that's another story though.
It's amazing how people can leave a city such as New York and come to Long Island for school. To meet people, build the foundation for their futures, and really like live out here. Suny Westbury has no type of telephone service on its campus. Sprint and AT&T are the only ones who get anything out there. The dorms are way over yonder for some odd reason. We snuck on campus looking for a party and drove up a walkway ( notice i said drove and walkway), when we noticed it was getting smaller...a sweet petite junior from Brooklyn (Melissa) helped us find our way. Then Laurence the Alpha decided he was worth conversing with, which to our dissappointment, was not true. We skadaddled back over to Post, where everyone and their gay best friend was going over to some club named Tabu or 2616 or 2618 WHATEVA! All the white chicks were 'hoochiemamafied' and all the guys were grown and sexy. It was cute really.
We decided to stay on campus and find Eli the RA. We get back to his dorm, and everyone outside was high as hell. Attempting to look so normal but failing terribly. This one perticular guy who reminded me of Penny Hardaway was swaying left and right as he tiredlessly tried to keep his eyes open. We met someone called Pachino and an Angel ( he just wanted some bootayyy), even met and Andy or two. It was a more laid back kinda night compared to the energy filled day i spent boxing with strangers and running from killer bees who wanted to pollinate with Tena, who, by the way, thinks i'm bugged the fuck out for being the way i am.
Well i had fun, although it didn't stop me from thinking about my Capricorn and Vinnie. These past couple of days i've been ignoring everyone and Vinnie's been ignoring me. The irony never stops. So Cap wants nothing to do with me, and he sounded pretty serious on the message he left me, and Vinnie's been working. Already neglecting me. It's all gravy though. There'll always be another. Maybe this time he won't be such a dickhead and I might actually get somewhere with my relationship.
As far as LI, I will be returning to grace these schools with my prescence. It's been so long since i seen Tena that we have lots of catching up to do, so one time isn't gonna be enough. Ciao Ciao....to food we go!

The Long Island Experience

Hicksville, U.S.A. is where i spent the night. First of all who names a place Hicksville? It was pretty diverse as far as the population was concerned, but still. I was scared the moment i got here, (i'm still here actually). Well, never in my life did i ever think LI was gonna be a place i can pin point on the map of my life. Things i've never imagined occured here with people i've never even thought could be a part of that life, (sigh) If only it could be explained in detail...
Well i came to visit 'Tenashanae' lol, my homegirl from way back in the days. When Fila was hot, New Balance were out for the first time, and everybody and they momma thought they was cute in they Guess and Parasuco jeans. (BK still think they cute in them Guess jeans- I ain't hating). But you get the point that was like crazy long ago when i was still a kid. So you know how much i love her for just being a part of my foundation. Arighty, we went to Suny Stonybrook for some show. It was aight, Mackadocious sang for the ladies, oh he's Tena's friend by the way. There was fake reggae artists, and there was the step team and the dance troop who i would say were the best acts. It was knoodles.
The show ends and we're left with nothing to do. Luckily, 'Charlie Murphy' was planning on coming to LI from the city right when we decided to call him. C.M. is Tena's ...'close friend'. They have this deep cosmic relationship that is untouched and untainted by reality. They float in each other's prescence, one fantasizing about the other, as they sit and stare into each others souls. Imagining what the orgasmic results of their body's connection would be like. I felt this sexual tension the moment he got in the car and stroked her hair.
There are things in this world that are better left unexplained. Things that belong only to the people who experienced them. Situations that cannot be described in words no matter how much you try to. Last night, well this morning was one of those things. If you've ever had an out of body experience you know what i'm talking about. I guess being in the woods at 3 am really changes people.
I always preach Freedom to those i love. To live your life carelessly at least once in a blue moon brings this sick satisfaction to your body and soul. That feeling that you get when you first rebel against your parents. That feeling of sneaking out of your house past curfew to make the hottest party of the year. That same feeling had me making out with Robert Gherardi anywhere i could, every chance i got back in the day. Driven by sheer curiousity, Tena fulfilled a fantasy of hers she shared with no one. Now, a connection has been made, a bond between three people who probably didn't really know each other before last night.
I know your dying to know what im talking about...but i'm not telling. In fact, i don't think i can write about it anymore without giving up the secret information. Muaahaahahaa ( evil laugh). Anyhoo, it was fun.
As for Charlie Murphy and Tena, i predict children in the near future. And a house, very much like the Huxtable's house since Charlie is to be a doctor and Tena a lawyer. Maybe 5 or 6 little rugrats all named Tima running around. That's what i call ultimate happiness.
I feel well rested, despite the fact the night was spent in the car. I think the alcohol helped me in that department. And for the record, i'm not talking about a threesome. You know i'd write about that in great detail if it was the case. YES, i am sick in the head...BUT you love me for it!!!


"Passion gives us moments of wholeness." February, 1932 from The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Volume One 1931-1934

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."- Anaïs Nin

The Ricky Williams Date

I had to write this one...even tho it happend last week, it's still interesting to me...

....My brother's have a habit of giving the men i date nicknames and its always funny to me. Especially if i dont like the dude after the date, the name is usually what i remember him by.
Today was the ' Lightskinned Ricky Williams' date. It went smoothly. His journey from brooklyn was a tough one, but he insisted he was okay. i met him down the block wit my pit and my bunny, (my o so loving best friend also from the tough streets of BK.BIGGUPS!). When we hugged and greeted each other, i noticed his...'homosexual stance.' I was a bit confused because the last time we chilled, he was neither gay, nor metro so you can understand my suprize. On the way back up the hill, he offered me a Beadie which i took despite my continuous efforts to quit smoking ( its been lots and lots of days since a stoggie!) Already filling me with bad habits on the first date, tsk tsk. I smoked and walked, wondering what this night was going to end like. Already i'd been turned off by his questionable sexuality, now all that was left was his slimy attempt at getting some bootie and my kicking him out the door. LOL, maybe not.
We arrived at the mini mansion where Uncle Doctor looked at me when i introduced him to Ricky as if i were crazy for even thinking for a second he was remotely interested in knowing this character. I took that as my sign and went upstairs wit my bunny and my guest. In my hot ass room ( too broke for air conditioning), he rolled his blunt as i looked through his dvd collection and watched him from the corner of my eye. Bunny usually has something to say about the men i date, but this time she made it her business to keep busy and avoid conversation with him. I took that as another sign
On my deck, ricky took his thick locks out of the scrunchie and sat back in the chair as he pulled from his blunt. I watched the moon as the smoke blew past me in the wind. Thinking of Harlem Boy while Ricky expressed his desires to be with me.
Harlem boy and i just made a connection a couple of days ago, but i havent been able to get him off my mind since. We've had 3 hour conversations each time we spoke, staying up despite the morning classes we both had the next day. (SIGH) I wonder what he's doing right now....
So now Ricky is talking all this building and relationship shtuff. A talk i had with H.B. the night before. I'm not feeling it so i tell him i'm not looking for one at the moment and i'm enjoying the dating world. Biggest lie i ever told next to the one about the cow and the thong...but that's another story. He looks dissappointed, obviously feeling the vibes i was sweating off. It was a humid ass night man. I decided on watching Love Jones as a memory refresher. I think he took it as some sort of something because throughout the movie, i caught him looking at me at all the kissing scenes and love making scenes. All i kept thinking was 'NO'.
Darius and Nina are going through the whole beginning stages of building together when Harlem Boy calls me. I feel bad that i have a guest and i can't speak to him the way i want. I tell him I'll call him back. Tickled at the thought that he might have missed me, i continued watching Love, sitting next to Ricky in the dark, munching on the popcorn he bought to our first and only date. It went by quickly since i was so into the movie.
Cornholio ( my baby bro) and i drove Ricky to train station, where i tried my best to avoid the kiss he thought he was getting. Tap kiss was the most i could do and did. Soon as i get back to the car, i call H.B.. 'He's not in' his roomate says. I'm a lil sad but quickly get over it when the 'Ricky Williams' jokes start. Pot smoking dread that looks like he should be running from the men trying get in his back door. LoL, not that funny but hey i laughed.
So now i'm focused on Harlem Boy, despite the other men im currently seeing. The search for the near perfect soul mate is not an easy one i tell ya. But i'm gonna continue until he finds his way to my heart...or my bed (which ever is neater).
'Women in african societies' awaits me....damn those morning classes!

Sleep don't come easy anymore!

I'm so freaking tired but I really cannot sleep. My sleeping schedule is all fucked up. Definitely got class in the morning so I don't know what I'm doing right now.

I've decided that I am no longer going to talk to all the guys I'm talking to. It's getting too boring and I'm tired of it. There's too many options at this point and frankly a decision cannot be made based on the information collected in the past however long I was talking to these dudes. Also, there's someone else. Although I connect with all the other guys on many different levels, this one took me someplace else. It was just magnetic. So much in common, more than anyone else. We clicked instantly. Not many people I feel that with. Usually takes time.

Well, I said before my focus was Harlem Boy and Capricorn. But I've changed that. I'll call him Vinnie. He's sweet so far, but the beginning is always the best time. It sucks cuz it may seem like I was leading the other guys on. But they all knew about each other, may not have been any specifics discussed but they knew there were others. That's why honesty is the best policy. I'm still gonna feel a little bad though. I like them, but frankly too many little things stand in the way of a happy future with them. I could just be making up excuses to justify these...'breakups', but I don't think I am...or am I? We'll see. Vinnie can be just as bad or even worse than them or any of my exes. Might be crazy as hell for all I know...But it's all about taking risks right? I'm ready to fly or die...

Juvee 2004...does it count if im African?

The streets of Brooklyn were flooded late last night, (actually this morning) with proud West Indians. Church and Nostrand Avenue is where the journey began for us. It literally was a journey; before the night was over we, (Bunny, my cousin, and I) managed to hit Bedford, Washington, Leffters, Flatbush and Westbury. Don’t ask where were these streets are cause I’m from anywhere but Brooklyn. I now know for sure I want to live in Harlem.
Too many minorities in one tiny area is never a good idea, especially if alcohol, drugs and Cops are involved. I’m not going to write about how terrible it was because frankly it wasn’t that bad. In fact I enjoyed myself to a certain extent. I think the women walking around butt bootie naked in 60 degree weather were amusing, parading their little asses for the good for nothing men just wanting to warm their ‘egg rolls’ (Vinnie’s word). The guys standing on every corner were even funnier, putting all females who walked by on blast by booing or cheering when most of them need to be on “Extreme Makeover” they damn selves. The true essence of New York hoods was all around us. Ignorance flying back and forth, left and right, while alcohol driven arguments and fight erupted on every block. The only thing I didn’t hear much of was gunshots (although the firecrackers sounded so much like them).
We walked all over, fearing losing my little cousin in the crowd of beasts waiting to attack. Men were on her like chocolate on Devil’s food…hmmm (fight it Tima!). She learned how to deal quickly, walking past them cracking occasional smiles at the stupid remarks from the rejected individuals. The occasional ‘Bitch’ here and there, didn’t even bother her. I was proud, my little cousin’s not from Pittsburgh anymore. 0:)
We trooped on this endless mission to Tilden Avenue to find this one guy Bunny was meeting up with. This asshole had the nerve to ask if we wanted a ride to the train station after an hour walk to find him. Now you know if I wasn’t tired as hell, I would have punched his short Jamaican ass dead in his round ass head. Gonna stand there in front of his Blazer and talk about a train station. Fuck outa here. People are just so…ugh…nowadays. We walked to him, meanwhile he has a car. Fuckhead!
On the way home, this guy sat on my lap since all of Brooklyn decided the 2 train uptown was the only way home. He’s from Harlem, my future home. 27 with his own place and a seed. Inebriated, he attempted to engage in a conversation with me. I kept laughing at him, he was trying too hard. We talked about the parade and how he wanted to do weird sexual things to me. I had to laugh at that too because he was quite specific with it. Too bad I’m ticklish, that toe massage with his tongue and honey sounded good. But he wasn’t my type. LoL gave him my number anyway, even after he asked to munch the box. He got off at 135th and called me soon as he got home. By then sleep had taken over and I had to hang up on him.
We reached home around 7:30 am. Someone was in my bed but I jumped in anyway. The room was disgusting but it didn’t keep me from knocking out until 2 pm. Woke up to a house full of guys, my brothers were congregating in the kitchen with the football team again feasting on chicken. The doorbell rang and it was my ex. We caught up for a bit, and then he left. My weekend was pretty crazy; I had a good time met some interesting people. I just hope school isn’t going to put a damper on my social life. It’s hard being an African Princess in New York City…but someone’s got to do it!

They all come back for more....

A call at 4 am woke me up from my beauty sleep. " Wassup?", he says. I was annoyed yet refrained from hanging up out curiosity. " Nothing. Who the fuck is this?" Ignoring my question, he continued. Expressing how he missed me and was just thinking about me so he decided to call. Mind you it may be the weekend, but it's still 4 am and i haven't gotten much rest since wednesday nite. So, still not knowing who it was, the conversation continued. Now he wants to play the guessing game...wants to know who i'm dealing with without really asking. So i stop and think about everything he said to me since i first woke up.
L.E.S. is where he lives, making beats is how he lives. He's an artist, creating music for the world to dance to. I remember i used to listen to all his work on the phone. The conversation would contain no words, just music and the occasional approval of a beat made for some Jay-Z wannabe. I was into him despite the fact my ex and i just split, (wasn't the rebound guy) i really ended up digging him. But the "lack of emotional expression" turned me off. He even admits to it. So 9 months later here he is calling my house at 4 am telling me how he feels. O, the irony.
Now i'm confused. Thinking to myself i must have great mojo for so many past...acquaintances to pop up like this, all in the same two weeks. Although L.E.S. and i spoke from time to time, the generic convos meant nothing compared to the heartfelt silent convos we had in the past. Each time i tried to get him to come out to 'wack ass yonkers', and time and time again he played me. I moved on, never forgetting him, but pushing my feelings out of my system. I needed space for the new interests. He wasn't doing anything about my wanting to be with him, so it was only right.
It's actually funny, cuz he wasn't the only one to come out of left field with this news in the past 24 hours. I'm just now realizing the effect i seem to have on people, specifically men. They all seem to be intrigued with some part of me whether physical or mental. I never realize it till wayyyyy after the fact. I guess since i dont really believe anyone who expresses interest in me, i brush it all off as though they are confused or just looking for easy buns to bake. What am i supposed to do? I'm into Harlem Boy, I'm into my Capricorn a whole lot although i dont speak of him too often ( he's my lil secret...), and im actually dating a 50 cent look alike. He and i have too much fun each and every time we chill so he goes no place yet. But H.B. and Cap are my main interests. I really do like L.E.S., but his timing couldn't be any worse. ( Get a watch Sir!)
Now you might be thinking, how is it that i can be into so many dudes at once. We'll i blame it on my parents. They forced me to play with all my toys at the same time. THere was no picking favorites with them. That meant settling, and that was a no-no since there was always something better... ( right daddy?)
So it's a habit. I always go through this trial period, compare and contrast, then i make my decision. Most guys hate it but it's not like they have much of a choice. I do what i wanna do. Deal with it or don't. As you can tell, there'll always be another.
Although it doesn't make me...idealy happy to be in this predicament and go about my business the way i do, i feel like it's the best way for now. I'm young so i have to really think about the choices im making. ( VOTE JOHN-JOHN 2004!!) And besides, it's not like anyone's helping me pay my bills so they can kiss my left nutticle.LoL. Yo i'm so corny but i love it.
Anyhoo, that's it for now. I'll just see what unfolds and what deteriorates. Men tend to be selfish and i don't do those so only time will tell (lol)... I leave you with one of my favorite quotes...Ciao Ciao!

"MEN ALWAYS WANT TO BE A WOMAN'S FIRST LOVE--WOMEN LIKE TO BE A MAN'S LAST ROMANCE." OSCAR WILDE