im starting to wish...

...i never fucked up in school. I wish i woulda did what i was supposed to. By now, i'd be a year from graduation, probably interning at a school or something, and making a bit of money someway somehow. I have no real regrets, except for the excessive drinking and those nights i don't quite remember but am sure weren't that bad cuz ducky wouldn't let anything happen to me. I just look around me and see how everyone i graduated high school with is doing. Most of the girls are pregnant, most of the guys are either working or enlisted in one of the five military branches. The rest are wandering the earth aimlessly by either drugging themselves or pursuing careers that dont make them happy. It's odd when you remember your thoughts while growing up...how everyone was gonna be something big and life was gonna be worth it. I wonder if i'm the only who misses having those dreams. My sleep has been interrupted by reality. As refreshing as it is to know that life isn't the piece of cake you hoped for, but instead a whole bakery filled with many options, i still miss my youth. I honestly would have done things differently.



I finally realized that my boyfriend is here to make me look within myself and fix me for the better. I always thought i was right, but i was just being classist and hardheaded. I've been fighting myself the whole time, trying not to let him in too deep and wanting to do so anyway. I wanna love deeply again and be able to have that reciprocated. Now that someone is willing, i'm all coldhearted, extra sarcastic and clearly not ready for a mature relationship. But i guess i can't do this by myself. He really tries to make me happy, and he does...But i'd be happier if i could attain the stability i yearn by myself. In a way i don't want anyone to take any credit for my eventual success, but i know it's not one of those journeys you take alone. I'm growing up guys...aren't ya proud?



Aside that, i'm having a reoccuring dream that my ex and i battle it out matrix style. He tries to kill me because i wouldn't accept him back and i kick his ass, while rocking 3inch heels,in a dark alley, inside a mall. I don't know where i get this shit from...but that's how my mind works...wonder what he's doing...

mad crazy shtuff mang!

I'm sooooo tired of the craziness...nothing happens in my life anymore, no excitement, nothing new. I've been stagnant for a while, yet i seem to attract big bullshit drama. Maybe Daney is right, maybe i do have this hunger for drama deep down that i've tried so much to supress but failed. Nah! IT's not me...it's the rest of the world and the people i surround myself with.




If you had the opportunity to have a pretty peaceful relationship with someone, would you give that up for bullshit and crazy drama that never ends? I am not with it at all. I've been dying for a mature relationship my whole life. One that entails two well-rounded stable people with lots of perks and party advice to offer each other and a keen fashion sense. Now seeing as i'm broke as hell, i'm just looking for a regular joe with a sense of humor and a brain that absorbs info, not reject it.



I'm an extremist. Everything i do is bi-polar. Either the guy is really good and nice or really bad and crazy. Either i'm sober as fuck, or drunk as fuck. I don't know anything about the healthy medium most people talk about. I kinda like it this way, even though i set myself back. I've managed to get myself into twisted relationships with people who seem so nice and crap and end up being just as unstable as i am...makes me feel like it might actually be me that's the problem. And we know that's almost impossible.




Boyfriend, smoyfriend... I have urges...I yearn the singlehood i never truly appreciated when i had it. but i can't just pause peoples emotions to go on my own selfish journey...or can i? I need personal stability...and i'm tired of the bullshit arguments...forreal. I might as well be with a chick and argue about stupidness...If this keeps up, my three month rule might actually be something i don't control. They never make it past three months...




I need truth!