happy turkey day!








~ i'm thankful that my lasagna is slam dancing.







~ i'm thankful that in about a month, i will be 100% drama free.








~ i'm thankful for Daney! he still rocks my world.








~ i'm thankful forrrrr....the good people in my life: scully, johnny, shpliff, twins, oompa, the whole MMC, the whole country club...ya kno who ya'll are!









~ also, for that annoying group of people that i have to look at everyday...my family! FUUUU!...we got jokes for days!








~ ummm...let's see; food ...yea food is good...good.









~ i'm glad my family finds this as an excuse to just all come together and have the kids ask the adults for money...rather than the actual thanking the Natives for land and turkey right before the pilgrims killed them.









~ really thankful for MYSPACE.com...it has kept the boys quite entertained...so my room has been invaded less and less in the past month...i wanna thank all the myspace hoes who really make themselves look so tasteful and keep the boys interested.

~ ooo family guy! just adult swim overrall...

~ i'm thankful for all the good shit that is about to pop off....06 is gonna be my year....

~ thank ya for reading! wish i had more comments though...

seems like...

...nothing is going right. everything is crumbling. reality fucking sucks. i'm stuck. i don't know what to do. i need a drink. i just wanna leave. i don't know where to go. i don't know who to run to. i'm just tired...of people, bullshit, lies, the slow ass process of everything in ny. why can't i just make a wish and it come true. i seen a shooting star the other night....can't remember what the fuck i wished for. someone, anyone...please just make me smile.

soft ass niggas

...yo, people...not just any kind of people...but new yorkers, as much as i love this city, i'm fucking tired of the bullshit.

...seem like eryone wanna be a gangsta. everyone wants to show how much of a fucking thug they can be. niggas don't realize that it's the people you sleep on that'll fucking mop the floor with ya ass.

...long story short- a lil nigga was smelling his own shit for a second, disrespected. got checked on his bullshit and made a couple of empty threats, and basically made himself out to be a soft ass fool.

...if you know me, you know that wen my heart starts pounding, and i get quiet, i'm bout to pounce on you like a fucking lion attacking a zebra in the desert sun after a week of starvation.

DON'T DO IT TO YASELF.

...niggas really take kindness for weakness huh?

...i need to get on my grind yo forreal, stupid shit like this make me realize i ain't posed to be in the hood dealing with bitch ass niggas that think cuz i got a pussy, shit won't pop off.

moving on?

So, the most recent ex apologized to me. Not much else was said. No real explaination was offered, just the usual " life's real complicated these days" excuse. I've used it so many times not realizing how uneffective and meaningless it actually was.






For a moment, i was caught up in the whole mess of actually being thought of after all this time. I almost went backwards. That's when the reality of his immaturity and inability to take anything seriously shoved me back in my seat.






Why bother? Why can't people let shit go when i do? Why can't i seem to move foward without so many visits from the past? Is this just a transitional period into my more stable, stress-free phase of life, or just a cruel joke the higher power is playing on me?








"Let her think she's moved on for a month or two, then bring back the guy so an emotional tornado can brew inside her."






...so not funny.






I was doing fine, thanks for reminding me there was an open wound still festering with anger and questions. I was almost numb till he called. Now i think i have to amputate...can you amputate your heart?






Frankly, i'm just tired. As tired as i was a year ago. Dudes suck, but they can't seem to leave me alone. Damn me and my bubbly personality.






I really need closure...this love thing just isn't doing it. 'Bitter ex' isn't really my color. I prefer dark shades of 'flourishing individual' and pastels like ' self-sufficient', 'emotionally stable' and 'strong black woman'.






Those pastels are so hard to find this time of year...

...this week

...has actually been productive in some sense. Some random shtuff for ya...

~ went clubbing with good friends and met quite a few characters.

~ realized that some people need to struggle in order to prevail...including my self.

~ got my first day off in 2 months...WOOHOO! can u believe i spent it watching mtv and eating chinese food, crying and almost chain smoking my stress away....it was great!

~the flu virus has attacked our house...within 3 weeks the whole house will be contaminated, MUAHHAHHHAA!

~ my homegirl SHpliff is maddddddd cool and a real party girl after 4 or 5 drinks!

~i actually have a heart...that beats....and makes me feel warm things when people hug me. it was weird.

~"forgiveness takes the power away from people who hurt you"...i can forgive, but u best believe i aint forgetting what ppl have done...

~ i'm gonna dedicate myself to writing my book...wish me luck

What ever happend...

...to the single black man with no obligations?

...I guess he got married, had a batch of kids, then decided to have an affair with a younger woman.

...SO, how are we single black women, with no obligiations, supposed to find a guy to settle down with?

...Mark Twain said; " it is better to have old second hand diamonds than none at all." THAT NIGGA LIED!

...For one, starting over with a female, no matter the age, does not erase the 3 kids you have or the wife you've seperated from or divorced. Plus it doesn't even guarantee the second time around is gonna be the charm.

...Second, what- besides complimentary personality traits, a sense of humor, trivial interests and hobbies, can a single unattached woman possibly have in common with a man who happens to be 3 stages of life ahead of said female?

...I'm only 21, and although dating the older man has always fascinated me, it has never resulted in a fulfilling long term relationship. It is kind of hard to reach that level when there's ex, current, estranged, crazy wives and emotionally unstable baby mothers to deal with.

...Who said older men are more mature? Maybe in Europe, cuz to me ALL MEN LIE to cover up they stinkin asses when they know they doing dirt. They lie to preserve that warm spot in your bed, they lie to draw all that love, lust, and great sex out of unsuspecting young women. Then slap us off our clouds of comfort with the "truth" three months after you've had bath towels monogramed for your new bathroom in the apartment you share with him.

..." I LIKE YOU ALOT, SO I FELT THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW." hmm, what was wrong with me knowing 3 months ago, before i got the freaking towels?

He says he really wanted the towels.

So...single unattached black man....are you hiding or having relations with the older married woman who birthed my 'boyfriends' 3 kids? Let me know something...cuz i'm tired of the bullshit that can be avoided if people weren't so scared of the truth and what it can do. I'm not crazy or deranged, or even emotionally unstable anymore.

I simply walk away when shit goes bad now.