why do people always confuse friendship with association? Just because i know you through someone or some perticular event links us, doesn't mean we're friends. My making your aquaintance doesn't mean you're invited into my circle or trust and love....you earn spots on my lists.
...i feel like i'm in high school all over again....grow up lil ones.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Good Hump Day
Yesterday had to be the peak of my week...
Went bowling with ma homies TeeTee, Pooh and Mimi....
Let's just say ....we had a ball...lol.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
how many parties...
...till i crash and burn? Been having an okay, well better than ok time since the 1rst. It's been crazy that so many cheap but good ass parties have been popping. I'm glad i'm back on my socializing and networking thang. I fell off in 05; the year of destructive relations, depression, and lots of time in my bed. But so far, 06 has been great. It's only been three weeks. Even though my financial situation hasn't been ameliorated, i'm tryna be as positive and happy as i can. Which means i'm not tryna please anyone but myself. Fuck me for being selfish, but I been living for so many other people that i forgot my own life's value. SOOOO...yea, you might feel a bit shafted, a bit ignored...don't take it personally. I'm just tryna 'find myself' as they say.
...I'm also enjoy the company of a few of my true female friends. It's rare to find chicks so down to earth...now i just gotta step my Guy game up. My guy friends, love ya to pieces, but ya need to get it together just as bad as i do. I'm just chilling though. Having a lovely time.
...I'm kinda sorta seeing someone i'm really into. And it's nothing like my typical cyclical relationships and friendships. We went down the path i usually just ignore. The scenic route. It's refreshing to know that people of his caliber exist. And he saves lives for a living...how ironic.
...As far as everything else...i'm just tryna embrace the highs of life before they pass me by. Years have been wasted just wallowing in the bullshit pits I've been placed in. I'm slowly finding Peace..."Ce n'est que la premiere partie"...(it's only the beginning)
...I'm also enjoy the company of a few of my true female friends. It's rare to find chicks so down to earth...now i just gotta step my Guy game up. My guy friends, love ya to pieces, but ya need to get it together just as bad as i do. I'm just chilling though. Having a lovely time.
...I'm kinda sorta seeing someone i'm really into. And it's nothing like my typical cyclical relationships and friendships. We went down the path i usually just ignore. The scenic route. It's refreshing to know that people of his caliber exist. And he saves lives for a living...how ironic.
...As far as everything else...i'm just tryna embrace the highs of life before they pass me by. Years have been wasted just wallowing in the bullshit pits I've been placed in. I'm slowly finding Peace..."Ce n'est que la premiere partie"...(it's only the beginning)
Thursday, January 12, 2006
fuck being the oldest
....i am only one human. I can take but so much blame before my shoulders break and my knees give in. STOP yelling at me everytime someone else does something. I don't remember giving birth to anyone in my 21 short years of life, so please stop putting your responsibilities on my shoulders. I got my own shit to deal with. You're pushing me away with the same stories...and when i leave, i will not be looking back...think about your words before you speak em. Please. That's all i ask.
Monday, January 09, 2006
rebuild
What goes through the mind of a parent who realizes his child no longer idolizes him? How do you begin the next phase of the relationship that was put on hold for 6 plus years? The forgiveness and rebuilding phase? I need to know...
Because the look in my father's eyes when it clicked in his mind that none of his children even bothered to consider going down the same path he did was a bit disturbing. He was disappointed in us, but i think mostly in himself.
Growing up with a diplomat dad, image was everything. Being his only daughter and 'daddy's little princess', i always gravitated towards him ( pre-rebel era). Every 'take your daugther to work' day was spent in general meetings at the United Nations, where i took notes from the traslators in the headphones and proudly showed them off at the embassy. The afternoons were spent at a japanese restaurant on the east side with the ambassador of Nigeria and my father, where political discussions fascinated me to no end. I wanted to become a diplomat despite my minimal knowledge and understanding of the position.
In some sense, he was my hero. I absorbed everything he ever said. He always had the answers to my mind boggling questions, always supported me in my hobbies. Came to every band concert, spelling bee, and came to both my graduations even though he was out of the country.
It wasn't far from the typical American dream father-daughter relationship. Now we can barely sit together for 5 minutes without having some inane argument. It's mostly because in his mind, I'm still the 11 year old girl who accepts everything he spits. He used to know it all, before i developed opinions of my own and discorved the power of research. He patronizes me, uses his 'mightier than thou' condescending tone when speaking to me. Forces me to lash out with sarcastic fire in an effort to not only undermine his authority, but take away from the power of his words. Simply put, we clash. I think he's got a complex most African men have...i'm not gonna elaborate on that right now.
I see the helpless child in him when he tries to establish the parental bounderies with us. We're not blatantly disrespectful, but in our own unique way each of us respond to his attempts at parenting negatively. Too little, too late. How can we call you Father when you've been on your own selfish journey the past 6 years? How can we include you in life altering decisions if your contribution to our lives stopped when we were still pre-teens? It's like a major portion of our foundation is missing. We need to rebuild because i can't continue on my own just to become this unstable structure incapable of trusting and loving men.
The past two weeks helped me realize that he now needs to accept the consequences of his abandonment and choose to move foward. If not, three innoncent souls will continue living life trying to fill an emptiness with puzzle pieces that won't ever fit.
Because the look in my father's eyes when it clicked in his mind that none of his children even bothered to consider going down the same path he did was a bit disturbing. He was disappointed in us, but i think mostly in himself.
Growing up with a diplomat dad, image was everything. Being his only daughter and 'daddy's little princess', i always gravitated towards him ( pre-rebel era). Every 'take your daugther to work' day was spent in general meetings at the United Nations, where i took notes from the traslators in the headphones and proudly showed them off at the embassy. The afternoons were spent at a japanese restaurant on the east side with the ambassador of Nigeria and my father, where political discussions fascinated me to no end. I wanted to become a diplomat despite my minimal knowledge and understanding of the position.
In some sense, he was my hero. I absorbed everything he ever said. He always had the answers to my mind boggling questions, always supported me in my hobbies. Came to every band concert, spelling bee, and came to both my graduations even though he was out of the country.
It wasn't far from the typical American dream father-daughter relationship. Now we can barely sit together for 5 minutes without having some inane argument. It's mostly because in his mind, I'm still the 11 year old girl who accepts everything he spits. He used to know it all, before i developed opinions of my own and discorved the power of research. He patronizes me, uses his 'mightier than thou' condescending tone when speaking to me. Forces me to lash out with sarcastic fire in an effort to not only undermine his authority, but take away from the power of his words. Simply put, we clash. I think he's got a complex most African men have...i'm not gonna elaborate on that right now.
I see the helpless child in him when he tries to establish the parental bounderies with us. We're not blatantly disrespectful, but in our own unique way each of us respond to his attempts at parenting negatively. Too little, too late. How can we call you Father when you've been on your own selfish journey the past 6 years? How can we include you in life altering decisions if your contribution to our lives stopped when we were still pre-teens? It's like a major portion of our foundation is missing. We need to rebuild because i can't continue on my own just to become this unstable structure incapable of trusting and loving men.
The past two weeks helped me realize that he now needs to accept the consequences of his abandonment and choose to move foward. If not, three innoncent souls will continue living life trying to fill an emptiness with puzzle pieces that won't ever fit.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
bored at work
fill me, with your love once more
my insatiable appetite seems harder to satisfy
can't get enough of your mocha flavored kisses in the morning.
Disguise yourself as a flower, sweet smelling velvet petals of fragility
so i can pluck from your stem, each piece of your soul.
just let me inhale your spirit as we melt into each other.
fill me with your truths dear love,
i'll swallow them whole and pure
i'll cut ties with all spurious relations,
preserving my energy for you.
permit my entrance into your cypher,
i'll never violate your trust...
my insatiable appetite seems harder to satisfy
can't get enough of your mocha flavored kisses in the morning.
Disguise yourself as a flower, sweet smelling velvet petals of fragility
so i can pluck from your stem, each piece of your soul.
just let me inhale your spirit as we melt into each other.
fill me with your truths dear love,
i'll swallow them whole and pure
i'll cut ties with all spurious relations,
preserving my energy for you.
permit my entrance into your cypher,
i'll never violate your trust...
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