pEaCh.FuZz.BuZz

dancing on foreign land

2006-12-03T18:44:00.000-05:00

maybe what i needed all along, was to keep moving around. I've lived in different countries for different lenghts of time. I was fine, happy, productive and progressing.

Maybe it isn't meant for me to be in one place for this long. Because as great, as free, as diverse, fascinating, as expensive, as many opportunites people have in the US, I don't seem to be experiencing life as I should be.

I have no home. I am a stranger in my own country, an immigrant in this one. I cannot go anywhere and claim it my own. I am my own home. And my house is chaotic, crazy, unstable, emotional, distant, confused. My home is dirty.

Maybe I just need a fresh start, on fresh soil, in a different time zone, and culture, and mentality. Maybe that's what kickstarts my journey...a move.

I can change my number, change my friends, I changed my school, I can change my address. But as long as I am here... I am fucking depressed, and annoying, and crazy, and unstable. I have a better life than most. But I am still unhappy, empty, resentful, distraught, inactive.

I have to consider moving. Cuz I don't think there is any foward movement in the cards for me here.

foooeyyy

2006-08-11T19:08:00.000-04:00

Life is way harder in this country than people realize. If you don't have the right paperwork, you will sweat, bleed, cry, stand on your feet for hours, and even when you think you found a good gig, you will notice the subtle attempts at being taken advantage of. You will soon realize the bullshit you will put up with just to ensure that money makes it to your account at the end of the week. You will tolerate it from people whom you are smarter than, more experienced and cultured than, and you will hate it.

I ain't no bird, despite what people think. I've been educated in many a countries including this one. I have parents whose sole purpose in life is to portray the perfect family. I know how important image is. I also know how much I could give two shits what someone thinks about me.

I know that whatever face you put out there in the world, someone will respond. I know if I look ridiculously hood, idiot wanna-be gangstas will holla. I know if I'm on my prep status, pretentious horny dickheads will holla. So i choose to just be me. I'm tomboy tima. Sweats and a hoodie, the occasional jeans here and there, and a fresh pair of Converse All-stars if nothing else. Don't get it twisted, I know how to dress when it's neccesary. But I don't judge anyone for how they look. I won't sit here and say "geez, he must be smart and rich, why with his Polo shirt and all."

My boss had the nerve to tell me to get a new wardrobe with the money she " gives" me. " You will attract all sorts of bums, ya hear?" Mind you, the time she is saying this, I've already changed into my house clothes from my street clothes so that I may be able to fufill my duties to her son and her home. Jeans and a Polo shirt is what I need according to her.

" Oh yea?" I said nothing else. I know she's trying to "help" me. But umm, I'm not in an office, I'm in the house, and I'm taking care of a kid who thinks playing video games all day is considered reading, critical thinking, and productive.

I've learn to put my pride to the side. I happen to think my sense of fashion is simple, quirky, and just comfy. I don't care to have an 'allll name brand down to my undies' outfit on. I like the Gap, I like Old navy shirts, and I like anything that says something funny on it. I like my converse, my Adidas, my nikes. I don't, however like being judged.

Losing control when tryna control....

2006-08-04T10:12:00.000-04:00

My whole life, up till 6 monts ago, I've been this relatively calm female. I laugh things off, see the upside of bad situations, and pretty much let things roll of my back. I don't hold grudges, and I find arguments, not debates, futile and unneccessary.

For some odd reason, my stint wit the African ( Mandigo my beloved) has been a very emotional, unstable, tear filled, and very out of character for me. I didn't understand why. I figured..." damn, I'm sprung off this dude." How do I fix this?

Even he said I was different, and becoming more neurotic than my usual self. He thought he broke me. I thought I lost my mind. I thought alot of things, one of them being that it was my transition from my normal self into the whole "Dione Family Psych Ward." (God knows that whole side needs to be there.)The point is I was freaking confused and having tear filled emotional breakdowns damn near twice a week. My friends and family think it's bi-polar disorder. They always use that excuse though. So many little battles with my brothers, It's like we were 7 and 5 again. What is wrong with me?

The only thing that has really changed for me since January 05, aside from my boyfriends, my job, and my bedroom, has been my consumption of birth control in the past 5 to 6 months.

The same birth control my mother told me I didn't need, she prefers I use condoms. The birth control I definitely never wanted to take before my relationship with someone whose life mission was trapping me into having kids with him. I've dealt with some crazy asses man.

So for the past several months, I've been consistently using the pill; Ortho Cyclen. It regulated my 28 day cycle, and lessened my cramps, didn't do much for my complexion or my weight. I never realized how much it affected me until my 8th breakup with Mandingo over bullshit that bought me to tears. Shocked as he was at my tears, I was petrified. I don't cry so easily, I don't typically care about alot of things in relationships or life in general that I find to be trivial ways of starting uneccessary bull between people.

Birth control made me a stereotypical female. Crabby, bitchy, emotionally unstable, sensitive as hell, mushy gushy, "I need my ICE CREAM A-FUCKING-S.A.P."-ish.

I was warned, many many times. Naturally I learn the hard way. I don't need anymore hormones in my system. I like the Tima I naturally am.

aiiiiii excitement

2006-05-04T13:40:00.000-04:00

spoke to nina...things are gonna start rolling this summer...Excited once again...i dont care if someone has our name...we rock it better.I'm mad we missed tribeca and the African film festival too....I hear "Drum" starring Taye Diggs is actually worth seeing.

im gonna quit my job..."fuck life" as my brother says, im not happy so why settle for the bullshit. I'm young enough to feel that i can do anything with my life. I won't feel the whole, 'what the hell am i doing with my life guilt' just yet. I have to quit, it keeps me up and away from all that i love and wish to accomplish. It was always just a temporary hussle, and now I have become my job. and besides, Syrone needs friends who don't live at their jobs...

still dating my African. my cousin Yamz says it sounds like I'm his slavemaster. I can't help it. I don't like dispensing too much information about my guy so I give them lil nicknames and talk about our experiences. with all my crazy exe's willing to shoot people to try and get back with me, i can't be giving out the governments.

my allergies are kicking my ass...I can't breathe one day, I'm itching the next day, I'm doing that throat scratchy thing thats really loud my mom hates...and she brings flowers into the house as if she's tryna keep me out...she knows im sickly with flowers in my air space. spring is definitely here for me. meaning it's my born day season...22 finally. eeuww I'm getting all grown.

myspace has permitted me to reconnect with so many friends from the past. I've moved so much. It feels good to know that they're still alive and well and actually remember me. I've lived in some places for no more than 3 months. I'm glad I left peach dust all over the place. I've missed so many people...now we're grown!

i just feel good right now. not because things are going right, but because i know they will get better. i will have more time to be myself and enjoy the things that make me happy. i'll be broke, but i'll be back in school, spending time with my peoples, building, attending events, might even join an organization (one that hasn't been founded in my basement with my brothers and cuzins) or start one...who knows? i need to do something cuz my mind is in overdrive. live and let live people, life is too short. foo!

my business partner

2006-03-09T12:07:00.000-05:00

...so we tryna build this empire by starting out making films and documentaries. Her name is Nina. She's the half that wants everything done A.S.A.P and gets absolutely irritated if she feels she's not being listened to. A spoiled brat, yes she is. But so am I. I have my ideas, I kn0w they fly and I want them executed. If not I catch my attitude and basically say " It's wateva!" which absolutely irritates Nina to no end because she feels like now I'm quiting since things ain't going my way. We are soooo immature and very spoiled in our own ways. But for some reason we work well together...I'm the calm professional one, she's the wild uncencorsed energy we need on board. Absolute irony, since outside of 'Tantrum Production' I'm the extrovert, crazy, loud one and she's the laid back, chill, 'let's smoke an L' one.

...Basically, yesterday was our 'Tantrum' day out. We basically realized that we know absolutely nothing about each other beyond the basic everyday sarcasm and corny jokes. So I began to wonder, would that make it easier to be business partners or harder. I trust no one. She took offense when I suggested we actually get a lawyer. I know she probably feels that we're at a point in our friendship where we should be comfy with each other but... all i know is that we're on the same team, but do we want the same things?

...We need a team. I like to do everything my way. But I guess a team is necessary when tryna make a film. I hate telling people what to do because when they do it wrong, I spazz out. A bit of a perfectionist I guess. But I'm not relying on many of my friends to fill the positions on my team for the simple fact that most of them already feel the friendship should permit alot of different things to go down between us. I'd rather work with completle strangers. Is that fucked up ?

...Well, I don't know. We need to set some ground rules, I guess. Let's just see how this goes.

ya pushing me even further.

2006-02-15T04:40:00.000-05:00

madness on my brain, i resort to solitude. Is it so wrong i want to be left alone? with the constant reminders of my imperfections, i just want to work on what's mine. can you let that rock for like five minutes, or is that stupid pout gonna be your only expression?

i think i should just move to France. That way you can't get mad that i don't come see you. Or leave me nasty messages on my voicemail because i didn't answer the first or eight call.

last time i checked, i was alone in this struggle. so what do i owe you?

just let me be...just let me make my mistakes.

...crap

2006-02-03T15:11:00.000-05:00

...i got the flu. Yes, it's definitely a conspiracy.

...i was partying, having fun...laughing out loud at every corny but somewhat funny joke, when suddenly...the cacophony of laughter was interrupted with what sounded like a painful strain of the vocal cords. It was actually a 'snough' (sneeze/cough). One that produced a disgusting amout of phlegm. I was shocked. Just three days ago i was boogie-oogie all over the dance floor. Why now?

...then, it dawned on me. It was the powers that were against my activities in the first place who are responsible. My mother, uncles, and all the bitter ex-boyfriends who don't get to see my great teeth when i smile. They are the ones who made up this indestructible flu virus and injected in me somewhere between my fourth apple maritini and that turkey burger from three nites ago.

...Now i'm sick, and worst of all...i start working in the restaurant i quit in september, tomorrow night. How will i charm my patrons into giving me all their money as tips, if i can barely get a word out? I gotta postpone. I gotta battle this...pray for me!

friendship smienship?

2006-01-28T03:48:00.000-05:00

why do people always confuse friendship with association? Just because i know you through someone or some perticular event links us, doesn't mean we're friends. My making your aquaintance doesn't mean you're invited into my circle or trust and love....you earn spots on my lists.

...i feel like i'm in high school all over again....grow up lil ones.

Good Hump Day

2006-01-26T11:19:00.000-05:00

Yesterday had to be the peak of my week...

Went bowling with ma homies TeeTee, Pooh and Mimi....

Let's just say ....we had a ball...lol.

how many parties...

2006-01-22T02:45:00.000-05:00

...till i crash and burn? Been having an okay, well better than ok time since the 1rst. It's been crazy that so many cheap but good ass parties have been popping. I'm glad i'm back on my socializing and networking thang. I fell off in 05; the year of destructive relations, depression, and lots of time in my bed. But so far, 06 has been great. It's only been three weeks. Even though my financial situation hasn't been ameliorated, i'm tryna be as positive and happy as i can. Which means i'm not tryna please anyone but myself. Fuck me for being selfish, but I been living for so many other people that i forgot my own life's value. SOOOO...yea, you might feel a bit shafted, a bit ignored...don't take it personally. I'm just tryna 'find myself' as they say.

...I'm also enjoy the company of a few of my true female friends. It's rare to find chicks so down to earth...now i just gotta step my Guy game up. My guy friends, love ya to pieces, but ya need to get it together just as bad as i do. I'm just chilling though. Having a lovely time.

...I'm kinda sorta seeing someone i'm really into. And it's nothing like my typical cyclical relationships and friendships. We went down the path i usually just ignore. The scenic route. It's refreshing to know that people of his caliber exist. And he saves lives for a living...how ironic.

...As far as everything else...i'm just tryna embrace the highs of life before they pass me by. Years have been wasted just wallowing in the bullshit pits I've been placed in. I'm slowly finding Peace..."Ce n'est que la premiere partie"...(it's only the beginning)

fuck being the oldest

2006-01-12T11:19:00.000-05:00

....i am only one human. I can take but so much blame before my shoulders break and my knees give in. STOP yelling at me everytime someone else does something. I don't remember giving birth to anyone in my 21 short years of life, so please stop putting your responsibilities on my shoulders. I got my own shit to deal with. You're pushing me away with the same stories...and when i leave, i will not be looking back...think about your words before you speak em. Please. That's all i ask.

rebuild

2006-01-09T23:46:00.000-05:00

What goes through the mind of a parent who realizes his child no longer idolizes him? How do you begin the next phase of the relationship that was put on hold for 6 plus years? The forgiveness and rebuilding phase? I need to know...

Because the look in my father's eyes when it clicked in his mind that none of his children even bothered to consider going down the same path he did was a bit disturbing. He was disappointed in us, but i think mostly in himself.

Growing up with a diplomat dad, image was everything. Being his only daughter and 'daddy's little princess', i always gravitated towards him ( pre-rebel era). Every 'take your daugther to work' day was spent in general meetings at the United Nations, where i took notes from the traslators in the headphones and proudly showed them off at the embassy. The afternoons were spent at a japanese restaurant on the east side with the ambassador of Nigeria and my father, where political discussions fascinated me to no end. I wanted to become a diplomat despite my minimal knowledge and understanding of the position.

In some sense, he was my hero. I absorbed everything he ever said. He always had the answers to my mind boggling questions, always supported me in my hobbies. Came to every band concert, spelling bee, and came to both my graduations even though he was out of the country.

It wasn't far from the typical American dream father-daughter relationship. Now we can barely sit together for 5 minutes without having some inane argument. It's mostly because in his mind, I'm still the 11 year old girl who accepts everything he spits. He used to know it all, before i developed opinions of my own and discorved the power of research. He patronizes me, uses his 'mightier than thou' condescending tone when speaking to me. Forces me to lash out with sarcastic fire in an effort to not only undermine his authority, but take away from the power of his words. Simply put, we clash. I think he's got a complex most African men have...i'm not gonna elaborate on that right now.

I see the helpless child in him when he tries to establish the parental bounderies with us. We're not blatantly disrespectful, but in our own unique way each of us respond to his attempts at parenting negatively. Too little, too late. How can we call you Father when you've been on your own selfish journey the past 6 years? How can we include you in life altering decisions if your contribution to our lives stopped when we were still pre-teens? It's like a major portion of our foundation is missing. We need to rebuild because i can't continue on my own just to become this unstable structure incapable of trusting and loving men.

The past two weeks helped me realize that he now needs to accept the consequences of his abandonment and choose to move foward. If not, three innoncent souls will continue living life trying to fill an emptiness with puzzle pieces that won't ever fit.

bored at work

2006-01-04T23:42:00.000-05:00

fill me, with your love once more

my insatiable appetite seems harder to satisfy

can't get enough of your mocha flavored kisses in the morning.

Disguise yourself as a flower, sweet smelling velvet petals of fragility

so i can pluck from your stem, each piece of your soul.

just let me inhale your spirit as we melt into each other.

fill me with your truths dear love,

i'll swallow them whole and pure

i'll cut ties with all spurious relations,

preserving my energy for you.

permit my entrance into your cypher,

i'll never violate your trust...

...so it aint that bad

2005-12-27T02:13:00.000-05:00

...only because i've been doing my best to not speak, or respond to any comments. The moment we found him, the complaints started. On how mommy was fat despite her drastic weight loss due to stress and an unhealthy diet. On how filthy the house that shelters 4 college kids, 2 minors, and a working mom is. On how depressingly boring New York is compared to Berlin. And that's bullshit, cuz i been there. And if i have to hear one more thing about the fricking cooks and the chauffers, or how the queen on Denmark like her cookies with tea...i think I'm gonna explode...

... For some reason, I don't find his rantings entertaining or the least bit informing. Maybe it's just my anger blocking the tingling sensations people may get from hearing 'the adventures of an ambassador'. Or maybe it's the fact that someone who has been nothing but detremental to our well being is sitting here telling us what to do with our lives. And what gives him the right to tell me i have no ambition? Because i'm not prepared to kiss any ass on my journey, just yet? Or maybe cuz psychology is for weak links in the family who aren't tough enough to take on business?

...I just want my tuition. I want to have fun New Years. And I will have both...by any means...

things aint so good...

2005-12-20T23:54:00.000-05:00

...so i decided to run away from it all, once again. Taking a lil trip down to VA for this lovely Jesus Day. NO, i don't celebrate, nor do i believe in Santa. But i believe that running away to VA while my life is falling apart in NY is the best way to reflect and make clear minded decisions about the future.

...why the hell not? All my plans are falling through, nothings progressing as it should, and frankly i'm sick and tired of New yorkers and their fucking attitudes.

...I just want to breathe and think freely...and not have to worry about pleasing people and putting myself in another unecessary bullshit relationship...Plus i wanna work on my patience...i think it's easier to be patient when you have no choice in the slow ass south. I feel broken down and i need a damn tune up... SO this''ll be my Christmas in Rehab...

If that's not enough, i'll skip down to North Carolina and come back up with Pookie the day before New Year's eve...It's not like i have anything to look foward to up here anyway...

2005-12-19T12:16:00.000-05:00

...I suck. I suck something terrible right now....

drunk dialing

2005-12-18T13:32:00.000-05:00

...i can't believe i got so fucking drunk that i started calling people. I NEVER do that. Damn that bacardi razz and damn those fuckers who were sober and just watched me douse myself in liquor. k~dizzle kept tryna take the phone from me, and repeatedly told me to hang up. Not only did i profess my undying love to someone, i cursed out my soon to be ex bf. I vaguely remember the events, but my lovely family has been filling in the blanks for me. Apparently, my mother was a part of the festivities. She told me she came down the stairs and heard everything that was said in our dungeon chill spot. I figured we were mad loud anyway so it was bound to happen.

...the only thing i regret is cursing out my bf. Fuck it, he's an official ex again. This time i'ma keep it that way. I don't know what i said...or if he even heard it. I prolly was talking to his voicemail the whole time and felt an undeserved victory when i hung up on him. The point is, i wanted to talk to him face to face, but my emotions spilled from the bubbling couldron of love and hate.

...ugh, the upside of it all is that i slept beautifully until i woke up, still drunk, and stumbled down the stairs into the bathroom to tinkle. Let's just say New Years is the next and last time i'm doing that...I let my feelings get the best of me all day yesterday, and ended on an embarrassing note. Yea, it was fun...but still. I'm supposed to be the mature one in my soon to be ex relationship. He's got one on me now.

...as far as the guy i love...well. I don't wanna jinx it, or even talk about it. Because i fucked up before, so he probably didn't even take me seriously. LOL , i can't believe this. never again ya'll. I wonder if he did take me seriously...i hope he did...i miss him...like alot...

...the lesson learned here: if you're gonna drink, make sure you're happy first, and second keep all phones away from you. oo and third, if you do call anyone, make sure you have a designated hanger upper available. I think mine took joy in my dumbness last nite. I'm not mad though.

... i can go and let you be free.

2005-12-17T04:06:00.000-05:00

i kno i can't be the only one who gives themselves to someone in hopes that they'll notice your efforts and grant you the one thing you want from them, romantically speaking that is.

With this person, i've done so much that it's almost ridiculous and laughable how much i've invested in just the idea of something "magical". A fucking joke.

I'm hurt, and yes i do feel a wide range of emotions at times. This perticular person wasn't a project, wasn't a charity case, wasn't just a temporary high...i was genuinely interested in the well being of this soul. I guess you could call it a certain degree of love. It definitely wasn't lust, despite the accusations.

I may be a dreamer, but i don't feel i'm a fool. I played that position once and never again. So now it's a bit easier for me to walk away from bullshit when it's placed in front of me with a side of mashed potatoes. I can't keep giving pieces of me to people who don't even understand the value of those fractions. I'm so not average...and when they figure this out, the cell phone never stops ringing.

It's a never ending cycle, one that must be broken and will be. I won't feed into it, nor will i aid them in attaining information in order to disrupt my life in anyway...i know i can't resist sometimes...but fuck it. Let the rocks fall where they will. I won't be tryna catch em, that's for sure.

Jaguar Wright's 'FREE' ...speaks volumes right now.

tingling sensation

2005-12-16T00:08:00.000-05:00

...everywhere. I'm gonna write. Maybe a book, maybe a column, even if no one reads it. I like reading my own stuff and laughing at my own retarded jokes. I enjoy my sense of humor and the way i think at times.

...good feelings...just good feelings...and i love life today!

people suck!

2005-12-13T01:32:00.000-05:00

... Tookie said it best. People are like wolves in this world. They prey on unsuspected kindhearted people and take advantage of the situation. You can't be nice and open to people, they'll think your weak and take you as an opportunity to gain something. You can't be evil and reserved, cuz you'll miss out on good friends and be assed out when you need something.

...You gotta choose ya character nowadays. When people see an opportunity to use and abuse you they will, and so will the followers that think they can get a piece of you. But you can't play tough guy eryday...you can't shit on everyone because "no man is an island."

...I'm basically saying this cuz i'ma nice guy...i don't like being pushed outa my character. But it seems like i have no choice, i can't let myself be victimized. If I can put a stop to it, i will. I say this because i'm tired of justifying my anger to people. Just because I'm usually the nice one, doesn't mean i'm not allowed to get pissed off and punch someone in the face. People need to stop putting folks in a box. " A history of violence" proves this.

FUCK ME ONCE...SHAME ON YOU

FUCK ME TWICE...SHAME ON ME

FUCK ME THRICE...I DESERVE IT FOR BEING A WEAK SHEEP IN WOLVES CLOTHING.

that's just the way the cookie crumbles....

aunt flow

2005-12-11T10:26:00.000-05:00

so bloated and gassy...it's uncomfortable. But i'm glad i won't be bleeding my guts out on New Years. People help me here...hotel party or crash someone's house? It has to be intimate and diverse. But i can already see the bullshit drama.

maybe if i drink enough, i won't notice the people grilling each other from across the room and all the guys tryna get some ass from my married, virgin or babymomma friends. I just need something positive, NOT romantic.

and I need tylenol with codeine for these cramps.

I'm hung up...

2005-12-10T11:37:00.000-05:00

I'm hangin up on you!

...If that's not my love anthem, i don't know what is. This song is dedicated to the memory of all the exe's who swore i was the good girl who was alllllwwaayyyysss gonna be there. chyea right ~ peace fuckers!

lots of stuff

2005-12-09T21:49:00.000-05:00

...has happend. too much to write down. Just know that i really can't wait for this new year. If i have to do it by myself, i will. Everything will work out.I promised myself, so it's definitely gonna work out.

...i've been sooo insipired to just be the me i used to be. Me; uninhibited, happy, free of stress, drunk most of the times, and just completely filled with useless info. I've been reading, writing, just going outside of my comfort zone formed by my loneliness and dissappointment in the world and it's inhabitants. I feel like i was holding on to a suitcase filled with bricks just to find out it didn't even belong to me. I'm so through with it all...i know i've said it a million times before but this time means so much more to me. I'm at a turning point. I've got a soundtrack to my life from here on out, so fuck it let the scenes play out.

...i'm thinking lil shindig for new years...where, is the question...but i neeeeeeeed, more than anything need to be with positive people and someone i can fuck the shit out of. I'm starting the new year out the way i ended one of the best years of my life...riding a cloud of euphoria induced by good sex and great drinks...care to join ?

2005-11-24T12:17:00.000-05:00

happy turkey day!

~ i'm thankful that my lasagna is slam dancing.

~ i'm thankful that in about a month, i will be 100% drama free.

~ i'm thankful for Daney! he still rocks my world.

~ i'm thankful forrrrr....the good people in my life: scully, johnny, shpliff, twins, oompa, the whole MMC, the whole country club...ya kno who ya'll are!

~ also, for that annoying group of people that i have to look at everyday...my family! FUUUU!...we got jokes for days!

~ ummm...let's see; food ...yea food is good...good.

~ i'm glad my family finds this as an excuse to just all come together and have the kids ask the adults for money...rather than the actual thanking the Natives for land and turkey right before the pilgrims killed them.

~ really thankful for MYSPACE.com...it has kept the boys quite entertained...so my room has been invaded less and less in the past month...i wanna thank all the myspace hoes who really make themselves look so tasteful and keep the boys interested.

~ ooo family guy! just adult swim overrall...

~ i'm thankful for all the good shit that is about to pop off....06 is gonna be my year....

~ thank ya for reading! wish i had more comments though...

seems like...

2005-11-21T23:42:00.000-05:00

...nothing is going right. everything is crumbling. reality fucking sucks. i'm stuck. i don't know what to do. i need a drink. i just wanna leave. i don't know where to go. i don't know who to run to. i'm just tired...of people, bullshit, lies, the slow ass process of everything in ny. why can't i just make a wish and it come true. i seen a shooting star the other night....can't remember what the fuck i wished for. someone, anyone...please just make me smile.

soft ass niggas

2005-11-19T21:19:00.000-05:00

...yo, people...not just any kind of people...but new yorkers, as much as i love this city, i'm fucking tired of the bullshit.

...seem like eryone wanna be a gangsta. everyone wants to show how much of a fucking thug they can be. niggas don't realize that it's the people you sleep on that'll fucking mop the floor with ya ass.

...long story short- a lil nigga was smelling his own shit for a second, disrespected. got checked on his bullshit and made a couple of empty threats, and basically made himself out to be a soft ass fool.

...if you know me, you know that wen my heart starts pounding, and i get quiet, i'm bout to pounce on you like a fucking lion attacking a zebra in the desert sun after a week of starvation.

DON'T DO IT TO YASELF.

...niggas really take kindness for weakness huh?

...i need to get on my grind yo forreal, stupid shit like this make me realize i ain't posed to be in the hood dealing with bitch ass niggas that think cuz i got a pussy, shit won't pop off.

moving on?

2005-11-14T20:30:00.000-05:00

So, the most recent ex apologized to me. Not much else was said. No real explaination was offered, just the usual " life's real complicated these days" excuse. I've used it so many times not realizing how uneffective and meaningless it actually was.

For a moment, i was caught up in the whole mess of actually being thought of after all this time. I almost went backwards. That's when the reality of his immaturity and inability to take anything seriously shoved me back in my seat.

Why bother? Why can't people let shit go when i do? Why can't i seem to move foward without so many visits from the past? Is this just a transitional period into my more stable, stress-free phase of life, or just a cruel joke the higher power is playing on me?

"Let her think she's moved on for a month or two, then bring back the guy so an emotional tornado can brew inside her."

...so not funny.

I was doing fine, thanks for reminding me there was an open wound still festering with anger and questions. I was almost numb till he called. Now i think i have to amputate...can you amputate your heart?

Frankly, i'm just tired. As tired as i was a year ago. Dudes suck, but they can't seem to leave me alone. Damn me and my bubbly personality.

I really need closure...this love thing just isn't doing it. 'Bitter ex' isn't really my color. I prefer dark shades of 'flourishing individual' and pastels like ' self-sufficient', 'emotionally stable' and 'strong black woman'.

Those pastels are so hard to find this time of year...

...this week

2005-11-08T18:14:00.000-05:00

...has actually been productive in some sense. Some random shtuff for ya...

~ went clubbing with good friends and met quite a few characters.

~ realized that some people need to struggle in order to prevail...including my self.

~ got my first day off in 2 months...WOOHOO! can u believe i spent it watching mtv and eating chinese food, crying and almost chain smoking my stress away....it was great!

~the flu virus has attacked our house...within 3 weeks the whole house will be contaminated, MUAHHAHHHAA!

~ my homegirl SHpliff is maddddddd cool and a real party girl after 4 or 5 drinks!

~i actually have a heart...that beats....and makes me feel warm things when people hug me. it was weird.

~"forgiveness takes the power away from people who hurt you"...i can forgive, but u best believe i aint forgetting what ppl have done...

~ i'm gonna dedicate myself to writing my book...wish me luck

What ever happend...

2005-11-02T01:30:00.000-05:00

...to the single black man with no obligations?

...I guess he got married, had a batch of kids, then decided to have an affair with a younger woman.

...SO, how are we single black women, with no obligiations, supposed to find a guy to settle down with?

...Mark Twain said; " it is better to have old second hand diamonds than none at all." THAT NIGGA LIED!

...For one, starting over with a female, no matter the age, does not erase the 3 kids you have or the wife you've seperated from or divorced. Plus it doesn't even guarantee the second time around is gonna be the charm.

...Second, what- besides complimentary personality traits, a sense of humor, trivial interests and hobbies, can a single unattached woman possibly have in common with a man who happens to be 3 stages of life ahead of said female?

...I'm only 21, and although dating the older man has always fascinated me, it has never resulted in a fulfilling long term relationship. It is kind of hard to reach that level when there's ex, current, estranged, crazy wives and emotionally unstable baby mothers to deal with.

...Who said older men are more mature? Maybe in Europe, cuz to me ALL MEN LIE to cover up they stinkin asses when they know they doing dirt. They lie to preserve that warm spot in your bed, they lie to draw all that love, lust, and great sex out of unsuspecting young women. Then slap us off our clouds of comfort with the "truth" three months after you've had bath towels monogramed for your new bathroom in the apartment you share with him.

..." I LIKE YOU ALOT, SO I FELT THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW." hmm, what was wrong with me knowing 3 months ago, before i got the freaking towels?

He says he really wanted the towels.

So...single unattached black man....are you hiding or having relations with the older married woman who birthed my 'boyfriends' 3 kids? Let me know something...cuz i'm tired of the bullshit that can be avoided if people weren't so scared of the truth and what it can do. I'm not crazy or deranged, or even emotionally unstable anymore.

I simply walk away when shit goes bad now.

Self Love

2005-10-22T09:57:00.000-04:00

" easy doesn't make you grow, easy doesn't make you think." ~MADONNA

...This is me. In the process of reinvention, rebirth, growth, motion. This is me, in an unperfect world, looking for perfect love. Perfection does not exist...LOVE is balanced, as nature is. These trying times are forcing me to look in the mirror and take responsibility for myself...

...finally, right?

...This is my chance to let go of all that is weighing me down. My anger, my intense desire for an untainted partner, my self-induced loneliness, my bad habits and my yelling voice.

...This is my chance to re-invent myself as preparation for the next chapter of my life. This is the chance for me to embrace who i am and welcome who i can be. This is the chance for me to embrace who i am and welcome who i can be.

...This is my chance to re-instate the PEACE that once was; "Youth is not a time, it is a state of mind" (samuel ullman)

...I looked in the mirror today, and the beautiful stranger i saw for the first time blew me a kiss. It woke me up.

...This is not a movie, it is reality. For so long i've stunted my own growth... and now i'm ready to blossom. The African Violet within me is blooming.

...I welcome the adversity to come, it is only by facing it that this growth will continue. I urge you to look into the mirror today, ponder the re-invention of your present self.

...Just remember one thing, you are not alone.
(cue victorious symphony music...dramatic exit...and fade...)

to the tweenies in my cypher:

2005-10-19T01:03:00.000-04:00

...you can soften or harden your image, but always retain ya soul.

" This morning i woke up, feeling brand new, i jumped up-feeling my highs, and my lows, in my soul, and my goal's just to stop smoking, and stop drinking. And i've been thinking...i got my reasons just to get by!"

...just one of them days

"what you think, it's a game?"

2005-10-17T23:58:00.000-04:00

...i love me some Jaguar Wright. She spits that truth people too scared to even whisper in the presence of others. Ya need to hear that 'self love'.

...i think the full moon is drawing people to me. The past two days, i've been approached by an unmentionable number of strangers, each with their personal missions concerning me. Mostly men of course. This never ceases to amaze me...what the fuck do they see in a girl like me? Cuz i still don't get it.

...everything is progressing slowly. Been doing alot of re-evaluating...the basics of course; school, family, means of money making, relationships, and my focus. Had a deep conversation with my father that kinda touched that warm part in my rib cage that beats when i see my baby or Family Guy. We actually came to an agreement without arguing. It was a tear jerker, this lil heart to heart of ours. Much needed one at that.

...People are always assuming they know what to say to a person when they're going through something. If i can barely help myself, what makes you think i'd do you any justice at all? I've lost my touch folks...i'm rebuilding the TIpEACH model for a new 2006 release. I don't know how to comfort anymore. Everything i do is physically expressed, and you don't get any of that unless your my boobiedoo. So please hold all questions and requests for advice and tender words till january- thanks.

...okay this was very scattered but on my mind. I'm on my grind, this gon be my year...so enjoy the show!

2005-10-14T01:41:00.000-04:00

HAPPINESS IS SLEEPING OVER TONITE! YA SUCK...CUZ YA DON'T FEEL AS GOOD AS I DOOOOOO!!!! muaaahhaaahaaaa!

P.S.A.

2005-10-14T01:11:00.000-04:00

LAS~ "don't leave me locked in your armmmms...set me freeeeeee" you don't care or need me anyway...right?

TOOL~ "action conquers fears" You over analyze everything...look for the solution den execute. do it for us tweenies!

OOMPA~ " You gotta let love rule"...you can still enjoy life while you wait for your puzzle piece.

DIAMONDS~ Thanks for erything you've done for me so far...i'm thinking you deserve an Asten Martin...say in...2030? ( i got u son 4real!)

TO THE GENERAL POPULATION

...Life's karmic occurences can be heartbreaking. But everything happens for a reason. Like all those hackneyed quotes... there's always a good to the bad, a Ying to your Annie, and up to your down. Karma's a bitch, what you throw out comes back to you one way or another. Be careful my pretties!

...I don't believe life is planned for anyone, i believe you put urself through certain consequential shit and then you deal. I've been dealing just fine with my reality despite most assuming that i'm so angry. I'm not happy, if i was life would be ...meaningless. i have an okay life seasoned with moments of joy and pain. I'm satisfied for the moment. I have so much more to conquer. SOOO to all the people i've met while on this lil journey, thanks for the laughs and the bullshit. Couldn't have done it without you!

(...boredddd...so i write- sue me!)

3 more days....

2005-10-11T21:37:00.000-04:00

...it's funny cuz the ex is asking questions...and i'm venting...and i can literally feel myself getting rid of alot of shit i was holding on to in my heart...it's a good thing i'm finishing up the purging process before my baby and i start over again...i feel so much lighter...yup- EVERYTHING happens for a reason...just be patient and u'll know why.

Teddy Bear Tears

2005-10-10T02:01:00.000-04:00

Just the other day, i crossed paths with your memory.

That teddy bear you got me reminds me of my lonely,

nights when i wondered is it me you'll share the bed with...

days when my tears fought my eyes till i just quit.

You raped my soul, like a thief in the night.

Stole my heart from it's cage, didn't even do it right.

A river flows daily from the eyes that deceived me.

Didn't see you slither into my life, couldn't feel your heat near me.

Couldn't read through you as you spit those lies,

didn't wanna believe you weren't mine.

Girls calling, you-missing, me balling, no more kissing?

Even though you took up all my time, spirit and love, i'm still fine...

Couldn't ignore all those warnings, so i ran from them,

hid from all the pain, even smiled for them....SO

just the other day when i crossed paths with your memory,

I turned around, walked towards the other way.

(it's funny that this month woulda made two years...but everything happens for a reason...somethings are just preparation for more important things,dig?)

i can't find...

2005-10-03T21:44:00.000-04:00

-my cell phone and since it's off i really can't find it!

-my favorite panties (i'm convinced the machines been eating my undies)

-the songs i downloaded like 20 minutes ago

-the guy who owes us money (ppl in debt...psh)

-the boots i bought in august and had to return so i can go to N.C. with some pocket money. They were so sexy on me...so damn sexy

-all the money i've made this year...where could it have gone considering i've got NOTHING to show for it...

bad day.

so then what time is it?

2005-09-21T23:12:00.000-04:00

...The 20's are a time of self-discovery. We frantically search for the right career, relationships, goals, and the right kind of fun that fits in our lives.We splurge, free ourselves from our youth and gain a step towards the realm of stable adulthood.Defined in one word, confusion; the permanent state of our early 20's.Questions arise concerning everything, especially romantic relations.

...Since it is the early stages, how do we know if one should commit to a relationship? If one did, it would require a great deal of self-control. As a female, i'm faced with so many interested parties. Most just want a fling, while others sincerely dig on my ability to be a good girlfriend, possibly wife and mother.

...COnfusion is my state of mind. ALthough my yearnings for a stable, consistent and committed relationship with a compatible individual cloud my mind and heart at times, I feel it may be too soon to settle down. With the never ending and ever growing circles of friends, associates, and lovers- it's hard to cut off fulfilling relationships to stick to just one romantic partner.

...Childrearing, in my case, can only spring from a relatively stable marriage, so it's not a concern at the moment. I don't plan on tying the knot for at least 2 years.

...But how does one know if singlehood or a committed relationship is right for these times fo self-discovery? Doesn't a relationship force you to focus on an 'US'instead of 'ME', therefore taking the spotlight off an individual's search for personal stability and their place in this chaotic world?

Or is it one of those things one learns to balance with time?

...Will i be able to succesfully establish myself as an individual if i'm with someone that takes up most of my time and thoughts? QUESTIONS!

...In my previous relationships, which only last for an average of 3 months including the dating period, i usually break it off when i feel it's getting too serious. Ironically enough, after leaving one, passion filled moments with the next man pull me back into the relationship i've been trying so desperately but unsuccessfully to avoid so i may grow and establish myself as an indie.

...Only one year into my 20's, I've managed to break a couple of hearts, including my own. Confusion is to blame...I JUST DON'T KNOW. Most advise me to just go with the flow and let things happen, while others insist i embrace singlehood and enjoy everything it has to offer. Although i love living my life with no obligations, there's a void in my soul that can only be filled with the unconditional love of a man who has captured my heart. We all want that knight in shinning armor. Shelthered hearts fantasize about love, while jaded New yorkers yearn for that perfect stable, 'cute couple of the year' relationship that permits us to still be ourselves. Okay maybe just me and my homegirls. But reality sucks...and the perfect man does not come pre-packaged; you gotta find all the ingredients and mix and bake yourself. And it definitely does not take 20 brownie minutes.

...So the question remains...I don't think there's any correct answer, it varies for each individual. As for myself, I'm gonna do the relationship thing and actually put effort towards making it work. Besides, i think you only get one soulmate a lifetime....pray for us!

....i'm so excited!!!!!!

2005-09-15T21:27:00.000-04:00

....like a kid at the candy bar...obsessed with jellybeans. I got 28 days till my life is complete!!!!!!

....28 days!!!!

....Step three to stability is almost completed!

ahahahahahahah!

FordhaMount

2005-09-12T10:26:00.000-04:00

...So i'm at the mount visiting my bitches. It's changed so much since freshman year. You don't get the same feeling about the campus like you did before. Now, it's a fashion show mixed in with this serious education atmosphere. When we were fresh outa high school, we made college a memorable experience. I got stories for days...most of it on tape.

...They beefed up security and gave them Rose Hill hand-me-downs. The school looks more like an actual school, but it just feels like an institution. Back in 02, we were a lil family. Girls who couldn't stand girls but somehow formed a bond with all these different other NY chicks, (and one jersey girl). I miss the solidarity, the love we have for each other. That perfect sisterly bond, untainted and unbreakable. Those of us who still consider ourselves 'Saints', we still talk and try to do dinner everyonce in a while. There's a small number of us left outa all the girls we went through orientation, math express, and freshman year with.

...Growing up not having any sisters, i figured going to an all girl school would permit me to experience females on a different level. For once, i'm not even being sexual. I actually wanted to change my opinion of the gender i thought was the personification of the devil. Yea, i'm talking about myself too. I hated my mood swings, periods, and did my best to supress my emotions. As corny as it sounds, attending da Mount and being exposed to females who expressed their feelings so freely enabled me to understand that it's okay to feel and show. My icy walls around my heart began melting as our lil crew began forming. So far it's been about 4 years and we still tight. I love my bitches and thank em eryday for helping get in touch with my femininity. I embrace it now, even love my pussy ery now and again.

...Had i gone to a co-ed school, i'd still be the only girl in the guys crowd. I wouldn't be who i am today. So i love my bitches to death for being the sisters i never thought i would have.

shouts to ma bytches....E-Booty, OoMpa, BirD, DucKy, & SpongeBoogie~> luv ya hoes!

Southern migration....

2005-08-04T12:50:00.000-04:00

...seems like eryone i know, or used to know is moving down south someplace. Be it ATL, North or South Carolina, VA, or even Louisiana. Crazy how New Yorkers are tired of NY. I never thought it would happen to me either, but frankly these inflated prices for rent, gas, and milk are killing me and most of the city.

...This lil vacation makes me feel like im ready to settle down and pop out a couple of lil ones. The air is so much fresher down here. It's just makes u wanna be a housewife almost. LoL, ok not really, but i definitely miss ma boo and can't wait till we can be together forreal. Now dats a nigga i can be with for the rest of my life...dats how i feel right now. But...we all know life and its unexpected occurences...we hope for the best tho.

...For the moment, i'm enjoying the free time i got here. Back to work on Saturday night. I know there's gonna be a million questions. And ALL the drama i tried to run away from, will slap me in my face when i get back. Oh well least i got a break this summer.

...All the things and people we met and build with don't end up this great relationship. That doesn't mean you shouldn't at least try to work things out. If you do and it falls through...den o the fuck well. But ppl are in ya life for a reason, so find out why before you brush em off.

mizz peachy

North CakaLaki -here comes Peachy!

2005-07-30T00:32:00.000-04:00

...mad crazy excited to finally have some sort of break. Lied my ass off to my bosses, telling em I was going to a wedding in which i was the broke maid of honor that had to get the cake and make a speech. I even got confused as to who i told that story to and who knew the truth. Either way, by monday i should be well on my way or already there.

...My pookie's my host. I'ma behave Pook, i pinky swear. No drinking, no wilding out, no strange men in ya crib, no weird activities in the bathroom....just pure fun fun.

YO dudes...are like the weirdest. I just wanna be single or with JL. Cuz this whole "playing the game" shit aint me. I don't want nothing from nobody. Even if i need it, i don't want it.

I can finally go swimming! (Damn, my hair.)

so much drama ...

2005-07-28T14:23:00.001-04:00

...in the nyc. It's MAD hard being a 'single' african female out here. THis independence shit makes me wish i was still a kid, sitting next to my father at the dinner table as we mapped out how much i was to get for allowance on a weekly basis. Life was good then. Now, it's filled with bills, stress, beggin ass family members, and grimey ass people. You, NEVER EVER know a person. And dats forreal. People always switch up on u. And the people you love most and trust with your life will be the first ones to fuck you over.

...It's hard being this righteous, legit black female in New York. At this point, i understand why girls become tricking ass hoes. I get why the golddiggers exist. I know why people use people. But for some reason, and damn that reason, i cannot bring myself to do no shit like that. I'm one of the nice guys, and i am last in this race for stability. It's almost like the dark side calls everyday. God knows i get my fair share of propositions and weird offers. But why do i always turn them down. I figure if one person gets the nany in exchange for bread, my reputation will go down toilet, along with my self respect. So why is it that most people can just do it...what's my disfunction? Or is the brainwashing my parents did catching up with me again.

...i'm rambling, ima get off now. Got some thinking to do.

Summer time blues

2005-07-27T10:26:00.000-04:00

...It's been hot, and hard as hell to get by these days. The summer heat prevents so many from truly accomplishing what they want to. Even eating is out of the question when the sun's rays are beaming down on us lil ants of the universe.

...My main concerns right now are paying back my debts to both the government and dear friends of mine who have been kind enough to lend me a helping fist full-o-cash, maintaining the slow developement of my soulmate and I's future relationship, and figuring out the best way to live in New York State without selling your soul for a really good apartment and/or car.

...I've been thinking about moving down south to join my girls in North Cakalaki. But the thought quickly passed when i realized how attached to my brothers I am. I'm worried to death about my brother going to school in Long Island for his freshman year...crossing state lines will have to wait til i leave the nest and fly on my own. For the moment, i kinda like playing 'sister-mother' to my huge ass baby brothers.

...It's been quiet the past three weeks. By quiet, I mean my cell phone hasn't been ringing off the hook like it has in the past. In fact, it's been a good month since i last got cursed out by a 'friend' concerning my negligence towards them. Has the world finally realized i got my own bullshit to deal with...or am i short a couple of hundred friends...either way works for me. Most of those people wouldn't have made it to my wedding anyway...( which, by the way,is not for another couple of years).

...In any case, things are looking up a little bit. I'm being patient because for once in my life, i'm on the right track, ( Funny how it happens when i finally give up on the system and did shit the way it works best). I always get lost when i get ahead of myself. School is my main concern. Financial stability comes right after. Shit, I might as well be somewhat educated if I might be broke in the future. I know things will get better for us these next two years. We Dione-Condes damnit, royalty in some countries. Well just one but whose counting!

...Amerika the 'beautiful', you've managed to rape me of my youth, my spirit, my motivation...God knows how you've tried to break down my cypher. Resistance is just the beginning of Revolution. It may not be televised, but best believe you will hear about it...

It starts with only one person...watch me work.

Is it the lights on the train?

2005-06-13T08:24:00.000-04:00

...Cuz i can't possibly look good 2 weeks in a row. It's just not something I am capable of. Think about the times i don't sleep, the days i got attitudes and my face is all tight, the days i just don't feel like gettin dressed and will put on pj's to go to work...and even the days i'm with my African, what about those days?

...Maybe i just encounter all the desperate dudes that take me for an easy target since i'm generaly nice in the begining. The past 4 days alone, i've met a dude each time i was on my way home. And who wants to holla at people at 7 am? Today's guy was cute as hell, my physical type. He has honey colored eyes and cinnamon skin that glistens in the sun. Gay( as the boys would say) but sexy.

...Lucky for me, it wasn't Leiland part 4 cuz i got disappointed right off the back. Not only is he exactly like my ex, similar situation and all, but he's a lil to eager to have some sort of sexual contact with me. Jailbirds aren't really my thing anymore. Far more emotional instabiliy than regular birds in prison out here, that's my experience anyway.

...Maybe i'm just that sexy? Or maybe it really is a buncha LAS copies that see something good in me and really wanna just be able to say they had a good girl once...maybe it's just sex.

...Either way, i'm not interested in the banal convos about how coming up was so damn hard and how you've changed so drastically. Tell me about your tomorrow, show me that you're moving in a direction, preferably a good one. Teach me something i didn't know about the world. I'm tired of talking.

...Dude, i got two African dudes going head to head tryna capture and keep my heart. It's like what i say doesn't even count, cuz i definitely said i didn't want to take it there. But they're so giving, and willing, and actually very funny about not tryna step on each others toes yet still bathmouthing each other. It's a cute competition, but there's gonna be two losers. I am not tryna be a part of some sick twisted threesome...i gave fair warning...

No one ever listens to me...

...SO i've been thinking....

2005-06-10T08:32:00.000-04:00

...yes, i said thinking. Life is far too fucking short to just be serious all the time. Granted right now is all about school, work and attempting to attain a certain level of stability without really compromising yourself; for me anyway,there is still room for fun. These days i find comfort in the simple things; reading, writing, just sitting around building with people. Although it's prolly cuz i'm getting older, i don't do anything i find fun. Haven't made a home movie with the boys in sooooo long (Wing TV holla!), Haven't played a prank on anyone, you know the typical stuff. I did however get a simple Ankh (which i wanted 4eva) tattooed on ma right wrist instead of my 350 dollar quote. I need to shop around for dat one.

....Ya do NOT know how much i wanna leave my mother's house to have my own space, and to actually put my clothes in the closet instead of the floor, couch, my bed, and the bottom of the closet. For some reason seems like ppl are more concerned with cleaning when it's their own...makes sense but ya parents house is your house to. If they die, you inherit....so i'm totally rambling! I've gotten 6 hours of sleep in the past 72 hours so i may be a little off.

....Well i finally made it to Roosevelt Island. Seen SOOOO many people i grew up with and some i didn't. It's crazy how we all get older and like...big. I remembered when the boys used to fight us chicks when we play "basketball" and "football". Our version of basketball was football with a basket and a ball. OUr version of football was with a tennis ball, and we only played when we wanted two people to 'accidently' make out cuz they liked each other.Also, there was only about 2 or 3 guys aloud to play against like 6 to 15 girls. And we ALWAYS LOST by like a thousand points.It felt good back then. Real good...

Also, i got on the Tram for the first time since i was 14.

....I fear a death from heights; falling to my death is not my ideal way to go. Mel and France are like "dude suck it up...your freaking 21 blah blah blurriness". I just kept thinking, big square things aren't supposed to be in the air. If that was the case, planes would be big square things and so would helicopters. There's like two and a half cables holding dat damn thing up. It's crazy.

BUT i made it...and i'ma continue to.

Ciao luvs...

i just love that needle sticking me!

2005-06-07T09:44:00.000-04:00

My next tattoo will be a quote...where? i'm not sure. i'm thinking something not too big or noticeable. i'm chunky so certain parts of my body are out of the question. my legs are really toned tho...but i already have three there. A quote, that represents me, even if it's just a part of me. It's me at this point of my life. Tats are like a road map; you can see how one has matured as you go from first to the latest. Right now, i'm transitioning. And i need something to motivate me, aswell as remind me of who i truly am underneath the layers of experience and growth. Deep down, i'll always be the same. Thirsty for life and all that it entails. I want it all...

Tennessee Williams has alot of quotes that i like...two in perticular that i feel relate to me. I'll see how i feel when i get to the tattoo place. But i'm definite its a quote i want...chyea! One more makes 5. I'ma have to get another to make an even 6...i like balance. 3 on each side of my body. SO yea...definitely didn't need to share all this but ya know what lack of sleep, heat, and boredom does to a peach.

it's bananas!

2005-05-27T08:44:00.000-04:00

...yes! it's official, i'm 21. and still damn sexy! i will take pics of my day...i'm freaking grown...thanks to eryone who called me all early, ya know i got MAD love for you, unlike the bastard so-called friends dat act like i don't exist, knowing damn well i was practically yelling friday was ma bday! ugh...ima take mad pics tonites! ciao loves...

HAPPY BOITDAY 2 ME!

Guess what guys?!?!?!

2005-05-22T09:49:00.001-04:00

i dont know if it's the fact that i wanted to name my daughter Naima, or the chick herself, but im crushing on her almost. she's ma bitch from top model and the newest winner ...i knew it since the first day!

~*~

~*~

I'm happy for her. I wish i had the luxury of expressing myself. But i always worry about making other comfortable. There are many things about me that my closests friends don't even know, but would pretty much guess if you payed them enough. I feel restrained, inhibited and almost like a child under lock and key. Will that change at 21? Will it get worse or better? who the hell knows!

I cannot wait though....it's like a new and better chapter of my life is starting and i can truly be the person i am, rather than some watered down depressing version. I love life and i love people, despite the fact that i hate both so very much at times. I can't wait to just experience it at this perticular age. It's like a major milestone and there's so much pressure to make it memorable. SImpliciiy has always fascinated me though...it's the little details within the simple painting that make it beautiful. Look at the mona lisa for goodness sake...

This is my Mona Lisa Birthday...

I like da sound of it!

Muaaaahaaaahaaaa haaaaahaaaa (evil laugh)

sometimes i feel like a nut....

2005-05-12T13:45:00.000-04:00

...right now, i feel like a sexy ass dime piece with nice ass tits and a fat juicy ass. Why ? i really don't know. I'm just flipping happy today, maybe cuz i finally got some sleep.

My job requires me to socialize with lovely gentlemen from West Africa. They seem sincere and kindhearted ( proven by my full ass tip box). It's totally nice to be complimented on a daily basis by men of all ages and mind frames. It's fun and i've learned that not all african men are for female circumcision and that most of them feel it shouldn't be continuing on the way it has.

I appreciate this job, i truly do. I now know the value of money (ha), and i know that hard work truly pays off. Also, i know that grimey bitches get theirs eventually. Let's jus say one of my co-workers needs to pray for forgiveness....

For ma bday, i just wanna chill out in ma crib or somewhere....just relax drink with ma ppls and meet they ppls. Talk, laugh, watch a movie or two....just really take the meaning of chill to the next level. I don't wanna flap, i don't wanna smoke, i don't wanna argue...i just wanna fall back and let time pass me by as i laugh to celebrate my 21 years on this earth. Nothing dramatic, no attempted bbq with ppl who hate each other ....nothing.

Hit me up if u're interested in joining me and a small circle of different and intelligent individuals to chill....

~always ms tima

You can desire one's loyalty

2005-04-28T04:46:00.000-04:00

...but you can't demand it.

That has got to be this months lesson for the world. Everyone has got their trust issues...I've got my friendship issues...no one understands me. People feel me, rarely do i have a loyal soul at my side willing to battle with me. Mostly, i get the superficial 'party with u' friends, or the 'i need you to be there for me but dont expect it from me' people. I've accepted these folks for who they are, it's like finally giving Bush the space to be himself. I personally feel lonely and disgusted at how many people are willing to sit here and tell me i'm being a terrible friend because i'm tryna get my life together. No support, just insults and arguments. But when he broke your heart for the third time, I was there. When she got pregnant with the next dude, i was there. And when you didn't get into your top 3 choices, i was there, filling out more applications with you.

Now that i need that support, all i have is "get over yourself" and "Wanna fuck tonite?". I just want to thank ya'll for showing me your true selves. God forbid anyone else attempt to get into the Best friend pool...Dane's got it on lock and his ass ain't even in NY. And i'm the fucked up friend, cuz i've been depressed, confused,and struggling like crazy, Because i'd rather help my mom at work then chill in ya crib smoking and drinking talking about inane subjects.

I guess this is what life's about. Living and Learning, pain and joy. All i know is when i'm happy...ya'll won't hear it from me. Unless u reading this blog on the regular.

Thanks Daney...Like always, you rock my world baby.

It has been so painful...

2005-04-05T03:16:00.000-04:00

i finally got the balls to embark on this journey i kept putting off. you know, the whole 'soul searching with stability as my goal'journey i kept avoiding by following my heart and giving my brain a vacation. It sucks cuz someone i love deeply got hurt in the process. I pick the weirdest times to be selfish and really focus on what Tima needs don't i? I'm not over it, i'm still mad at myself for what i did to this poor soul. But my need for my goals to be accomplished have completly overshadowed any other plans i've made for myself. It's a good thing, but the circumstances suck ass. I pray to the higher power and hope that i'm strong enough to make it. I feel like once this mouintain top has been reached, i can move on to the next chapter of my life and transition to whatever phase is next. I'm listening to him sleep as i type this ( thanks to my beloved phone, which we almost lost today), and all i can hope is that he understands my decisions and forgives me for the pain i've inflicted on him. Nevermind the other events that occured.

Well as far as everything else...this is what my name means...

FATIMA
F	is for	Fancy
A	is for	Artistic
T	is for	Talented
I	is for	Impressive
M	is for	Modern
A	is for	Animated

What Does Your Name Mean?

I think i've made some progress in my journey (yay for me!) I agree with this little table! On to step two...this is harder than it sounds. I gotta quit cigarrettes again...this time for good!

im starting to wish...

2005-03-25T01:48:00.000-05:00

...i never fucked up in school. I wish i woulda did what i was supposed to. By now, i'd be a year from graduation, probably interning at a school or something, and making a bit of money someway somehow. I have no real regrets, except for the excessive drinking and those nights i don't quite remember but am sure weren't that bad cuz ducky wouldn't let anything happen to me. I just look around me and see how everyone i graduated high school with is doing. Most of the girls are pregnant, most of the guys are either working or enlisted in one of the five military branches. The rest are wandering the earth aimlessly by either drugging themselves or pursuing careers that dont make them happy. It's odd when you remember your thoughts while growing up...how everyone was gonna be something big and life was gonna be worth it. I wonder if i'm the only who misses having those dreams. My sleep has been interrupted by reality. As refreshing as it is to know that life isn't the piece of cake you hoped for, but instead a whole bakery filled with many options, i still miss my youth. I honestly would have done things differently.

I finally realized that my boyfriend is here to make me look within myself and fix me for the better. I always thought i was right, but i was just being classist and hardheaded. I've been fighting myself the whole time, trying not to let him in too deep and wanting to do so anyway. I wanna love deeply again and be able to have that reciprocated. Now that someone is willing, i'm all coldhearted, extra sarcastic and clearly not ready for a mature relationship. But i guess i can't do this by myself. He really tries to make me happy, and he does...But i'd be happier if i could attain the stability i yearn by myself. In a way i don't want anyone to take any credit for my eventual success, but i know it's not one of those journeys you take alone. I'm growing up guys...aren't ya proud?

Aside that, i'm having a reoccuring dream that my ex and i battle it out matrix style. He tries to kill me because i wouldn't accept him back and i kick his ass, while rocking 3inch heels,in a dark alley, inside a mall. I don't know where i get this shit from...but that's how my mind works...wonder what he's doing...

mad crazy shtuff mang!

2005-03-20T13:25:00.000-05:00

I'm sooooo tired of the craziness...nothing happens in my life anymore, no excitement, nothing new. I've been stagnant for a while, yet i seem to attract big bullshit drama. Maybe Daney is right, maybe i do have this hunger for drama deep down that i've tried so much to supress but failed. Nah! IT's not me...it's the rest of the world and the people i surround myself with.

If you had the opportunity to have a pretty peaceful relationship with someone, would you give that up for bullshit and crazy drama that never ends? I am not with it at all. I've been dying for a mature relationship my whole life. One that entails two well-rounded stable people with lots of perks and party advice to offer each other and a keen fashion sense. Now seeing as i'm broke as hell, i'm just looking for a regular joe with a sense of humor and a brain that absorbs info, not reject it.

I'm an extremist. Everything i do is bi-polar. Either the guy is really good and nice or really bad and crazy. Either i'm sober as fuck, or drunk as fuck. I don't know anything about the healthy medium most people talk about. I kinda like it this way, even though i set myself back. I've managed to get myself into twisted relationships with people who seem so nice and crap and end up being just as unstable as i am...makes me feel like it might actually be me that's the problem. And we know that's almost impossible.

Boyfriend, smoyfriend... I have urges...I yearn the singlehood i never truly appreciated when i had it. but i can't just pause peoples emotions to go on my own selfish journey...or can i? I need personal stability...and i'm tired of the bullshit arguments...forreal. I might as well be with a chick and argue about stupidness...If this keeps up, my three month rule might actually be something i don't control. They never make it past three months...

I need truth!

kaka maynie!

2005-02-24T16:27:00.000-05:00

hey there...

all is well these days. in school part time, full time girlfriend to a guy shorter than me. Apparently i'm emotionally unavailable. ANYWAY, moms leaving to go to germany and/ or Guinea. should be fun for her...missing my old old life so much these days .

seen so many movies, it's almost sad...i really hate the new ZELDA, 24/7 in my house. I've obviously run out of things to say wit this blog....i think i need to grow into the next phase of my being and then return wit beautifully hysterical stories of illegal activites and sexual adventures.

i need to read a book....

May-December-ish

2005-02-03T20:21:00.000-05:00

Today is ma fathers birthday. SO i figure its a perfect time to talk about relationships and age. Without disclosing anyones identity, i must tackle this issue since it's been traveling the air waves at the peach pit recently.

My parents are 10 to 13 years apart, depending on how old my mother is for the day. In my culture, it's regarded as a wiser, older, more experienced man guiding a younger, lost, don't want to say helpless, but...struggling maybe, female. You take her into a your life, and show her the ropes almost, back then dating was a no no.

I'm not turning this into African history class, the point is my parents have the massive disgusting age gap in my opinion but you cant tell since ma pops looks and acts so young...

Now, R.kelly is a child molestor. I'm sure we all agree. But is it really wrong for two people who have genuine feelings for each other to be together despite the age difference?

Two summers ago, i met a 16 year old girl, she seemed like your everyday chick, until i met her husband. He was in his late 20's and seemed to love her very much. The relationship seemed healthy but who really knows. She converted to islam so that they could get married when she was 15. At first i was freaked out, cuz euw dats nasty. But i'm in no position to speak, i myself have been with older men and found nothing wrong wit it. So when i asked her why, she said she was very much in love with him, and loves the married life. I couldnt believe her parents let her do this, but then again parents dont hold that much weight these days.

So now, i've got two people who seem to like each other that i see everyday. THey don't hide their feelings from anyone so it's no secret. Now the issue is, she'll be 17 later this year and he just turned 20. Right off the back you're thinking he just wants pussy. But common sense tells him he cant just want pussy cuz he's got about 6 big ass football player guys to deal wit and myself of course. He's not as stupid as most horny college guys...point is there's feelings between them. Now i personally think they should go ahead and do them and be in the relationship, she's gotta learn sometime right? But the football player guys feel that she shouldnt because if he hurts her they might have to come out of character. Now i think people should just mind their business but we really sat down and had the mean group forum about these two. I can side with the female because i've been through this shit, people "advising" me not to do something when it's got nothing to do with them. The guy is genuine about his feelings, hes a close friend to the circle, but everyone seems to be pushing him further and further away from the circle because of this bullshitt.

Do ALL older men look to younger women to satisfy their sexual urges? Or could it be because being with women their age or older than them hasnt worked out well? Or wat possible other reasons can there be? I mean seriously, is it just a manipulation/pussy thing? Cuz i would hate to have to hurt this guy over something like that.

Lately...

2005-02-01T15:48:00.000-05:00

Had to jump financial, emotional, and family hurdles to get myself into school. Just means i can't fuck up now. Feel like i'm losing my close friends, i don't know what to say or do about that one. Been a bit irresponsible in certain aspects of my life; getting things in order now. Thinking about leaving New York for a while, maybe this summer.

Tired as hell for the past three weeks; thanks to my midget and sticky. SO much drama at the Peach Pit, it never ends...but it keeps me going.

Is it wrong for a 20 yo to go after a 16 soon to be 17 yo ? Do you think it can be genuine and not just be about sex? That'll be my next blog...

Quotes for ya soul!

2005-01-17T22:50:00.000-05:00

Lately, I've been hearing and reading quotes that send tingles up and down my spine. Ok, it's not really that serious, but it's good shtuff. Decided to share in case someone needed some sort of inspiration in some way and thinks they can find it on this perticular blog. Why you would think that is beyond me. Either way ...here are my favorite quotes...

~"You can desire one's loyalty, but you can't demand it"

~"There are no shortcuts to any place worth going" ~ I seem to find ALL the shortcuts.

~"You know what the greatest thing in the world is? FREE NIGHTS AND WEEKENDS!"~LfromHarlem ( he ain't neva lie!)

~"There's more that living that only surviving"~ The Offspring

~"Profanity is a sign of an ignorant mind trying to express itself..." ~ there was more but my ADD kicked in.

And my favorite, provided by Homer J. Simpson;

~" I'm soaring majestically like a candy wrapper in an updrift"~ why do i think weed and being high? (cuz i went to marymount!)

ya know i was bored right?

Playoffs!

2005-01-16T17:44:00.000-05:00

nuff' said!

(i still got love for the falcons though, they did their thang!)

Get at me Bad Boys!

2005-01-14T18:23:00.000-05:00

Sittin in the 99 cent store yesterday was beyond boring, so much that I was flipping through every nyc radio station and actually listened to about 10 songs on each since I was in there for like 9 hours. On k-roq, they played Bush’s ‘machine head’ and it bought me back….

….to the days when trespassing was our thing, and kissing in the woods behind the burned down hospital got my hormones all excited. When I walked down the hallway with my father to find that the smiley face and heart BURNED (wit a mini torch) into the carpet, next to my name, was left there by the bad boy at the time. He had my heart cuz he knew how to make it beat faster. He was filled wit excitement and surprises and I thought I was in love.

I can’t seem to get away from the bad boys. Nowadays, guys with baby mothers, G.E.D.’s, paranoia, smart mouths, and guns seem to all fall into the bad boy category. We’re getting growner by the day, and frankly my tolerance for bullshit is low as hell …

I’m not into the drama, but good guys DO NOT interest me. It’s cool if we can click on an intellectual level, exchange ideas and opinions about damn near everything cuz that’ll keep me around. But if I can’t go on some sort of risky, heart pumping adventure with you, if there’s no mystery, there’s no feeling. I never realize why I push so many people out of my life.

OK I’m lying, I know exactly why I push people away….i don’t want my heart broken. It’s fear of heartbreak, not so much commitment. I can be faithful, I just don’t do it. With good guys, I feel ima be bored, so I push them away before I get too attached…usually that’s when they start getting attached. With bad boys…I fall in love and let myself go, obviously for the wrong reasons and I end up with the pieces of my heart in my hand.

What was this about?....

O right, back in the days, when My bad boy and I used to do mad stupid but fun shit. My most recent bad boy stomped on my heart and now he’s living down south, prolly gonna trick another unsuspecting ‘Good girl’ (which is what the bad boys call me- funny huh ?), into loving him. Prolly won’t break her heart as bad as me though. Fuck it, I’ma New Yorker, pain and heartbreak aint shit compared to the taxi and bus fares. That definitely puts a bigger dent in our pockets den any man can put in ma heart.

I’m a bad girl next to a good guy, and a good girl next to a bad guy. Are you starting to notice, if it’s not one extreme is the other, never a healthy medium. What’s a girl like me to do?

2005-01-11T17:56:00.000-05:00

Between my flailing health, my brokeness, and the bullshit i've endured in the past two weeks, i'm starting to lose my mind.

A person i thought was a honest friend violated in so many ways. It's at a point where i'm considering ppl doing things to him. I'm heated and repulsed by his actions, so much that i feel my rage about to explode within me when i think about him. I've never felt this angry or betrayed...and i sincerely apologize to those who have been affected in anyway.

I need a vacation, away from everyone i know, and everything i know. Nothing is right...so something needs to be done. I'll be back when i have something of importance to write...Thanks for reading

Divine_peach @ BlackPlanet.com

2005-01-09T17:39:00.000-05:00

...it's one thing to get a long ass note every now and again; it's another thing to get three word notes with zero substance. BP has been disappointing me for so long; i don't know why i even bother anymore. It kills time, especially since i have no cable. But it let's these weird ass unstable dudes, who obviously can't get girls off of the internet, have access to me. I have noooo problem networking, meeting new people, all that good shtuff.

But when i'm starting to feel like it's some sort of jumpoff spot. Wanna have casual sex with someone you barely know? sign up on blackplanet. It's come to a point where dudes dont even try to act like they're interested in you; they just get to the point. Prime example:

date Jan.09.2005 04:21
from Donkey-long
to DiViNe_PeAcH

message
wanna fuck?

Yes that note is forreal, and no, it wasn't the first time someone sent something like this. And god, the older men are the worst. Talk about desperate. Don't use me to get ya groove back.

I initially signed up cuz my college buddies told me it was to meet cool people, possibly some cute dudes, and express yaself. Over time, i've reconnected with people i've grown up with, and people i haven't seen in sooo long with the help of BP, but these days it's boring and pointless. I had my little addiction period already, where every day i wanted to know who sent me a note and what they could possibly have to offer me. I must say, at this point, i've outgrown BP.

It's too bad, i can't delete my page just yet. I need ma damn cable back first. There is NOTHING to do in this big house with all these africans. And i'm starting to get tired of Madden and Live. I just might start staying over other peoples houses...or something...

CLICK ON THE TITLE TO SEE MY PAGE WHILE IT'S STILL UP!

My Sun-Sun is gone

2005-01-07T18:58:00.000-05:00

"...sometimes ya sunshine gets snatched like a necklace, when you get too drunk on power and ya drive get reckless..."

i just wanted her to be happy...and no one else did. Right now, i'm not feeling anyone in this house. I thought i'd be okay with letting Sunny go, but i'm not. I don't hear her lil feet walking up and down the stairs everytime i call her. And she can't open the bathroom door when im taking a shit to see what i'm doing. And there's no one to greet me, no one to look out the window with her ears all up, cuz her awareness level was off the meter. No one to scare all the gentlemen callers at 2 in the morning, no one to nip at anyone yelling at me. No one to sit her butt right on my lap, as though she were a child, and fart those deadly dog farts. No one can replace her either.

She's given me cute ass grandbabies, a reason to beat the shit outa her, tested my speed,( she was definitely gonna bite that lil girl if i ain't scoop her up) satisfaction by toturing my brothers and their ignorant friends, (you've no clue how funny it is to watch damn near grown men on top of the dinning table yelling for their mommies.) and lots of funny moments. She was ma peoples forreal, she never betrayed me despite her whorish ways, and she always was a good judge when it came to the men in my life. I'ma miss ma Shug...just hope i don't go crazy...cuz i can't stop feeling like she's right behind me all the time...

hehe...

2005-01-05T02:57:00.000-05:00

Boondocks always make me feel better....

do i smell determination?

2005-01-04T04:04:00.000-05:00

Ain't it funny, when you find yourself making so many resolutions, you kinda lose sight of what you are doing right?

I had about a page and a half...I narrowed it down to three. Three resolutions that are going to be the basis for my whole 2005 year. I know people never stick to their resolutions after January, but I plan on this time. Three simple resolutions.

As silly and cliché as it may be, losing weight is my number one resolution. In fact it's been my number one since I learned I was the third biggest girl in my 8th grade class, ( Come to find out they were talking about height...hmm). I've always been a "thick" girl...I had a banging butt and hips when I was 12...and you can't tell me that was fat, my tomboyish activities helped me burn too many calories for me to be overweight. Either way, with my mom's never ending comments that I'd never find a husband being fat, ( you've no clue how damaged i SHOULD be), and my noticing that the big girl never made it on the magazine cover or the TV screen (clearly before the big girl movement led by Mo'nique and others), I decided that I was gonna be model thin before I left for college.

You can imagine how impossible that would be being that, my family is filled wit thick people, and I just wouldn't look right being mad skinny with my size head. Seriously, would you be my friend? I wouldn't...

Point is that's resolution number one, and I'm actually going to exert some sort of effort to get it done. Damn it, how hard can it be to cut back on carbs and actually walk someplace? I know I can do it guys!

My second resolution, is to think before I speak. I'm notorious for saying things as they come to me, no real thought put into much, just blunt honesty and that hasn't been working to well for me...You gotta think about the sensitive people, the stupid things that come out your mouth, and the promises you makes...SOOO, it's not that I'm deaf, I'm not slow...just takes a while to get used to thinking before actually words spill from my lips.

Third, I, like most 20 soon to be 21year olds in this world, need to be about my business. I need to get stable and stay stable. I need to grow up and get out there and make a damn decision, and stop letting people stunt my growth because I care for their well being more than mine. Crazy, but it runs in the family. I guess sometimes, you just gotta push people aside, put things on hold, so that you can do what you have to, all just to get where you're going. I never thought I might actually have to disassociate myself with certain individuals...but it seems like I just might have to be on some reclusive shit from now on. I don't know, I don't want to keep going from one extreme to the other, despite that it's what I do best, it's not good for me or anyone around me. Tima needs to find her path in this world, I need to find my route, the rough and ragged road because the scenic one isn't doing it for me. Hopefully, along the way, I don't lose my sense of humor, or my ability to connect with 80 percent of the people I meet. I'd hate to end up like the partenal family, or be lonely because of an inability to successfully socialize with people. I'm too cute for that damnit!

Of course with the help of my entourage, I'm sure I'll successfully keep my resolutions, and find the determination deep down inside to be the person i hope is strong enough to take life by the horns and ride that bull till it cums....to a halt that is...

We shall see...o yes people...WE WILL SEE! muaaahaaahaahaaa (evil laugh)!

happy New Year Fuckers!

2005-01-02T01:57:00.000-05:00

It's been fun! Got a lil drizz...not much! Things are looking pretty okay right now! Feelings kinda good! Okay ciao ciao

Poke you crazy...thanks for the love...

we're gonna party like it's 1984!

2004-12-29T02:12:00.000-05:00

i've decided, after a few heated arguments with the parents, much needed reflection of the year 2004, and drinking 2 gallons of apple juice, that i should be living rather than tryna write about every thought and action everyday, or bi weekly or whatever.

i haven't accomplished much this year. I did however avoid pregnancy, disease, and all the sane people of the world. Maybe 2005 will give me better luck.

~i've had about 8 dogs this year, no many fights with dudes...lots of free food thanks to SupaStar and Limpy J Boog. Met ALOT of people...some i wish i never did.

~i've survived stalkers, high phone bills, a long ass no-phone period, NO CABLE for almost 10 months, a few friends living with me, a few winter weeks with no jacket, i still however have this cold fighting with me.

~we've convinced cops we weren't doing anything illegal on numerous occasions...ok im kidding...but really.

~i've gone through friendships like gstrings in the summer time...you never really know someone till they fuck you over.

~i've grown just a smidge...a wee bit...emotionally. No thanks to the exes and fuck buddies.

~i made it to more classes than i EVER have this year...dat's definitely a plus!

~i've made decisions and stuck to them...aint ya proud?

~i've come to realize the importance of my big bros in my life... they rock my world! shout out to FRY and Chaos...

~Last but not least...i'm actually gonna start the new year brand new...meaning no old anyones, or anythings...not a brand new tima...just one with less patience for bullshit, mine and that of others.

CIAO People...HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Answer me this...

2004-12-23T16:26:00.000-05:00

~what is with this bi-polar ass wether?

~how'd we manage to get everyone in the Dione/Conde family in New York State sick ?

~where's ya CHRISMAHANUKWAANZAMADAN spirit?

~how come when i have a boyfriend, everyone seems to have feelings for me, but the whole 7 months i was single...not one of you said a damn thing?

~what happend to Sailor Moon and Eon Flux?

~why do i have to get the biggest pimple on the planet the day before im supposed to spend massive time with the beau?

~anyone what a rednose pitbull named sunny ? she can be real sweet....really...

~don't you feel bad for the kids that stay screaming in the supermarket isles, rolling on the floor talking about they hate they mothers? Can't wait till reality hits their lil asses...

~does anyone want to stop me from throwing my cuzin in the closet and locking her in there till my mother comes home?

~is it appropriate to give someone a toothbrush for christmas? what if they REALLY need it ?
~ are the early 20's supposed to be this boring, confusing, frustrating and tiring ?

i'm bout to clean ma room....i'll take pics when i find mt usb cord...ciao holiday ppl!

a tweenie for life?

2004-12-17T23:51:00.000-05:00

As the semester concludes, you'll notice the three types of undergrads across college campuses....
The "Crammer", the "Relieved Relaxer" and the "In-betweenies"....I, for one, am an in-betweenie.

The other two speak for themselves really...

I would say, to be in the tweenies category, you'd have to be negligent to the point where you fuck up, but then bust ya ass to redeem yourself, time and time again. It's as if you've learned nothing from the previous mistakes. You're beyond lackadaisical, and procrastination has almost become your way of life.

Test on Wednesday, study tuesday night after a session of madden and a 4 hour conversation with a friend who finished studying last weekend.

It's sad, and seems so simple to rectify...but no one understand the personal struggle of a tweenie. Self-discipline is hard to attain after years of easy living and getting away with so much. Once you make the effort to do right, balancing the life you once had with this new found determination for success becomes the conflict.

You fail once, get discouraged and resort to fun, then find comfort in that happy zone and get lost on your path to success.

My friend John-John is a fellow tweenie. He started studying for his final way after he was supposed to take it, thinking it was the next day. Lucky for him his professor was understanding. But despite all the drama, he still feels as though he failed his test...

I once heard that, "being challenged is inevitable, but being defeated is optional." I definitely think that the struggle is far from over, just think we have grad school after this little college thing.

Like John-John says "there is a time to play and a time to work but there is a balance, our job as college students is to find that proper balance"

And that's the first thing they try to tell you at orientation...It's all about time management. Us tweenies got our work cut out for us... but one day we'll learn.

School comes first...and we will not be defeated!

by:john-john ~n~timi

2004-12-16T23:45:00.000-05:00

FRUSTRATED!!!!!

someone make it all go away... can't have my man like i want, can't avoid these finals, can't get away with doing stupid stuff (not 14 anymore), can't even enjoy TIMA time...not in this fucking house, can't have my cake with ice cream either... and dat's the last straw!

I'm at a "fuck it" point right now...and by IT i mean ALL of it...

...I'm bout to make another dumb mistake...

"shi shi"

2004-12-15T01:03:00.000-05:00

That's what we say when someone does nothing but complain, bitch and moan. "Elle/Il as des shi shi". Slang, but it's funny. Everyone's got shi shi's in this house, even my dog Sunny. She acts like she's too good to lay on the floor and eat dog food. My mom always wants her bed done a certain way, the lil cuzin always cries about the dog, despite the fact that sun pays her no mind and is usually just wondering why lil cuz is running around the house everytime she sees her.

I have major shi shi's cuz i hate ppl in my room , on my bed wit dirty asses, eating up my food, drinking from my pimp cup, using my pens that i worked so hard to steal without my permission, and especially...waking me up just because a fucking football game is on. OKAY...i LOVE football, but don't ever in your life think that waking me up by making noise and fucking turning on the light is okay...especially if you want to live to see the postgame show. I hate, absolutely HATE that.

Everyone's got shi shi's ...but no one gets what they want. Not in a big household like this one. All we can do is laugh about it, like we do everything else...

this past weekend...

2004-12-12T21:14:00.000-05:00

...totally sucked ass. Nothing got accomplished, I'm still working on these papers. My older brother doesn't trust me because i'm so freaking...me. My baby probably hates me right now. I barely remember the weekend, since i was so inebriated. And i didn't get to party like i wanted to...

Someone slap the stupid out of me...please.

This did make me laugh tho...

me tryna be cute

2004-12-07T23:12:00.000-05:00

Thanks Danya

Finals!

2004-12-07T01:07:00.000-05:00

I can't stay still or study for too long because i fall asleep and dream of cute men and cars. It's almost impossible for me to avoid knocking out, i'm so tired and i don't like caffeine really. So as a non-coffee drinker i'm kinda screwed. Red Bulls give me too much energy, then i think i can multi-task...we all know i can't.

I hate tests, i hate papers, i hate having to show up to class to listen to a freaking boring lecture. I like sociology though! But it's only once a week.

I might as well get this shit over with...i still got mad semesters to go. Let's not forget grad school.

My character on girlfriend's is Lynn, the free spirited nympho with mad degrees and masters who basically does what she wants. She has mad fun...i wanna have fun like that...

ugh...one more paper!

i just spent the past three days

2004-12-06T02:39:00.000-05:00

... busting ma ass for my mother; setting up the bar, making drinks, cleaning up the bar, cleaning up the dance floor, tables this way, chairs stacked 12 high, washing unbearably large pots and pans, listening to people complain and ask for forks that were sitting right in their faces, wanting to punch an old man in his face for having a 'mightier than thou, better do what i tell you' attitude when we were breaking our backs trying to bring order to the place. Let's not even forget how drained I am cuz of this female duty to ovulate and release eggs every month.

I had no idea I loved my mother this much. Had it been anyone else, I would have been said 'Fuck You' and made a grand exit. It pays to work this hard though. My body is sore as hell, my eyes are burning from lack of sleep, and frankly I don't think I'm as cute as I would normally be and that bothers me. But hey, least I got something good to complain about.

In other news...my father is coming to visit for the holidays. That was his reason for denying me a semester in Europe. Thinks he's slick, but I got something for him. Gonna be deep in them pockets this winter.

I kinda look forward to it, I like to see him age and still retain his late 30's early 40's look. I miss having my father around to talk politics and watch CNN and BBC news with. Watching him actually do yoga positions I couldn't even do if I had the guts to try em. But I'd rather have my freedom. He's not going to like my social life at all and that just might be a lil problem...hehe, we'll see.

On to another beautiful week. Stay focused people, we're going the distance!

2004-12-02T01:18:00.000-05:00

I wish I could help everyone in their worlds. Make all their problems go away, but I can’t. I guess everything has a moral or lesson, and only the individual facing the problems can learn that lesson. It’s always nice to try though.

I know this guy, he’s really smart, even did some college time. But he feels like he’s stuck in the system, as an ex-con and on welfare. He has so much potential to be something…special I guess, but it seems like he’s comfortable in his situation despite his complaints. I feel bad, because I always do, and I want to help him. But it just seems to me like he’s not as stuck as he says he is. There’s always a way although nothing is instant. ( I’m still learning that the hard way)

I can give motivational speeches, even help him find a job ( even though I can’t get one), but it looks to me like no matter what, he always ends up on that corner looking for the easy way out. He says he’s thankful for having someone like me in his life, and he appreciates everything I’ve tried to do for him. I find it hard to believe, because time after time, he goes right back to where he hates being. I guess that government money isn’t that bad after all.

I feel like it’s my fault somehow, like I haven’t pushed him enough to do better for himself. But I guess you really can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves…

cheaters never prosper...

2004-12-01T03:37:00.000-05:00

Well it seems like everyone’s formed this opinion of ‘Tima in relationships’. Funny how the world perceives you when you’re not paying attention.

According to almost everyone I interact with on a daily basis; family, close friends, and the occasional jump off here and there, (I’m kidding, I don’t have any friends) I am unfaithful to all my boyfriends.

Now I won’t deny it, but back in the day, before moving to happy ole Yonkers, I was a bit reckless. I wasn’t the best girlfriend and I know that. I was young and far more selfish than I am these days. Ironic twist; the one time I devoted myself to someone and decided that he was the only one for me, I got screwed royally. I mean the kind of screwage they make a soap opera out of, one that you’re friends cut school, miss work and Tivo to watch.

So forgive me if I’m not quick to jump into a relationship with someone without having a plan B through G. Besides, I don’t even do the relationship thing really, it’s more like a ...friendship wit some emotions and very little sex.

The point is I can be faithful to boyfriends…but I don’t really have boyfriends. And when I do, I’m good to them…Besides cheaters never prosper...

2004-11-28T20:03:00.000-05:00

Isn't it weird how the things you really want always have some never ending struggle or just bullshit you have to go through just to acquire them? And then stuff you could careless for just plops right onto you're lap...it's like a surpreme being is just tryna drive you crazy.

There's alot of material things i want, the list never ends and changes twice a day. I'm not talking about that. Those things that you can only have a few good times, like lovers, or birthdays, or ...friends, those are the important things you have to struggle for....i was going someplace with this but i changed my mind...

have a great week people...

Gobble Gobble Greedy!

2004-11-25T05:07:00.000-05:00

Turkey's always make me so giddy. I love all the fat and carbs ingested, it just feels soooo good to eat mad food and not give two shits because the rest of the U.S. is stuffing their faces too. Do Native Americans celebrate thanksgiving? I know it might be cruel to ask, but i'm curious, it wasn't the best holiday for their people but...i'll leave that alone.

I made so much food, with the help of my beloved cousin of course. O and the brownies, let's not forget the browines!( visit me when i'm in the hospital fightin a severe allergic reaction)

It's just sad that for many families, holidays such as Turkey Day and Christmas are the only time they get together and act all...family like. My family anyway, we're so terrible when it comes to gatherings. There's gonna be a major argument that sparks many little arguments among individuals which causes the dog to get upset and begin barking, which absolutely irritates me, which causes me to lash out at anyone doing anything remotely annoying ( a brother or a cousin), which starts a yelling fest, resulting in my mother's voice echoeing up the stairs to tell us to " stop with your shit" in the funniest african accent you can think of.

It's actually quite funny when you're present. Friends even suggested to make our own "Real World". I don't think so...

Anyhoo...I wish everyone the best time stuffing your faces and waiting on line for the bathroom. I hope you guys enjoy family time, and save me a plate...

i just wanna love ya!

2004-11-24T16:15:00.000-05:00

“There’s an emptiness inside formed by the walls of my insecurity. Hoping to prevent deeper damage, I keep my emptiness as is. No need for the warm feeling in my stomach, it just makes me want to piss…”

Fear has become this huge sinister cloud, hovering over my happiness. I look up every once in a while, stare it right in its eyes, then turn away to find the quickest exit. I let it control me, and then live in regret. Sucks…but what can you do when you’re a lost soul in this dangerous world?

Every battle can’t be fought because every battle won’t be won. I am not about to lose just to learn a lesson. Not anymore.

I’ve adopted this little philosophy and applied it to my love life. No use in getting your heart broken time and time again, just to end up blaming yourself and adding to your ‘shit list’. Naturally all circumstances are different, but when it comes to my heart, consistent irony is what to expect.

I’ve gone through so many men, who collectively, probably just wanted a go at me in the sack. But between lies and p.m.s., who can tell if that’s all they really wanted? You’d be surprised at what lengths some desperate men will go just to get sex, and even more surprised at how much shit I can take when I‘m an emotional wreck. I’m not trying to be victimized in one of those extreme cases, but I guess that’s when the ‘no control over life’ thing pops up.

As a female, I think I can speak for the better part of my gender when I say that I’m tired of the bullshit, from men and myself when it comes to men. I want something real, something solid, and something I don’t have to worry about every five seconds because we haven’t quite yet established that trust isn’t to be violated. Common sense should tell you this, but some people just don’t understand.

I’m convinced it’s a sick game God is having fun with. Make the little humans feel, so they can cloud their rational with feelings and sexual urges, and end up going bonkers (and not just in Yonkers). But then again, had it not been for love, daytime television would be far more boring than it is, and romantic comedies would not exist. I can’t live without ‘Pretty Woman’.

I’m just tired man…

...got to let love rule!

2004-11-21T23:05:00.000-05:00

Life is filled with imperfections. We struggle everyday with the puzzle pieces until they fit together, because nothing is meant to be. Destiny is what you make it, I really believe that. So when people ask me why my relationships don’t work, deep down I know it’s because I didn’t want them to, (or because they had a wife and kids the whole time and was just looking for some fun). You have to work to get the results you want in a relationship. I haven’t worked, not a day in my life…

So now I’m presented with the opportunity to try it once again, I’m torn though. I know what I’m capable of, I know what I want, but fear has driven me to want to stop before anything really starts. I can’t bear another crack in my heart, another wound on my soul, or another man on my list of people to kidnap and torture in my secret lair in the basement of Target.

What you should I do?

Let’s give it a try, see where we land…

Daugther Mama Drama

2004-11-19T15:01:00.000-05:00

It has come to a point where my mother and I don't even speak the same language. She dislikes the fact that I have a mind of my own and I choose to follow my heart. It's not the way a "young African girl" is supposed to be, or so she says.

Tradition is complicated, especially when it clashes. I'm Americanized to the tenth power, and it's not even my fault. I never asked to be moved a hundred times, I'm thankful because it gave me the opportunity to keep an open mind (which I think I'm losing since we've been stationary for a while), but at the same time, you could image how confused and unstable I am as a person.

She and my father have instilled these values in me, old and new school you could say, and now she wants me to go back to the old school values because she's not happy with the results. I can't at this point, not completely, I can only grow and develop into something better. It's hard to do so when there's someone always criticizing you, always complaining about the way you speak, the people you're around, the activities you choose to indulge in. I know she's a mother, she worries, blah blah, but I'm trying. It's even harder when it's two people who are the same with different time periods in their heads. That's why we argue so much.

She shut me down on my Long Island pt 2 trip. She shut me down hard, almost made me cry. Now I feel like shit because I made a promise I can't keep because of someone else, it's not even my own bullshit fault. ( I need a job) She has me watching this devil child to keep me in the house. O my god, have you ever just wanted to explode? Just to prove a point...

...: Sigh: Maybe when I'm older and I have evil lil tima's I'll understand right? Maybe I won't. Anji I'm sorry, don't hate me...

i have no life

2004-11-12T16:31:00.000-05:00

I’m going through this whole bored to death phase. There’s so little to do at home, but actually getting up and going someplace to do something, is like preposterous. I’ve gotten accustomed to entertainment coming to me, now I just don’t know how to get up and get out. There is so much opportunity out there but I stay in my house, watching the madden competitions and the dog chase dully’s friends.

I have all the free time in the world…I need to make something of it. I have so many hobbies; one of them has got get me someplace sooner or later right?

...I'm Back!

2004-11-09T20:15:00.000-05:00

First and foremost, i want to thank everyone who made my cell phone reconnection possible. Jim and Mandy at Nextel customer service. Thanks for your patience, i know i was a little too excited this morning, but you handled it well.

I want to thank my mother for not giving me another 6 hour speech about cell phones and responsibility...Love ya toots!

I'm back on! Bleep me, call me, leave a voicemail, dont text me tho...dat's not free! O it tingles everywhere...

OO also i finally say the movie 'Ray". I was stuck on that screen the whole time. My eyes were so tired but I love that movie. Jamie Foxx did a great job of capturing Ray Robinson's personality. No i dont know him, but i felt like i was really watching Ray Charles. My father used to play some of his music on sundays after the Tito Puente and Celia Cruz songs but right before Yanni. ( you dont want to know who Yanni is...) I think the movie definitely deserves and oscar, more than 'Training DaY' did. Nothing against my husband Denzel, but were they serious? ...maybe it's just me.

I smell cake...OO and the phone's ringing...I feel high...

STOP CALLING ME PLEASE

2004-11-09T01:38:00.000-05:00

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me but it seems like people love my name. So much that they feel the need to use it every now and again. Confused? So was I when Walton called me tonight to ask me if I called some female to inform her of my pregnancy. But wait…according to her, it’s his child.

I called a female, (whose identity has yet to be disclosed to me) to tell her I was pregnant with Walton’s baby. What sense does that make?

It’s like this never ending list of these emotionally unstable, insecure females that feel threatened by my presence in their boyfriends, exes, brothers cousins, whoever’s lives. They keep popping up, making these phone calls, either to the guy or myself, to tell these ridiculous stories. Does it make them feel better? Who knows…God knows it getting tired and a little annoying.

I have specific circles of female friends. I limit the amount of estrogen in my life simply because females=drama. The stereotypes are true, females are so freaking annoying, and petty and childish at times. I mean maybe I feel this way because I grew up pretty happy with males, or maybe it’s all the bullshit I’ve been through that makes me feel that females are just evil. I would know…I’m one my damn self.

The half dozen chicks that made it their business to call me on a daily basis, from morning till night when I was “with” my ex started this little ‘PICK ON TIMA’ trend. They fail to realize, I DO NOT CARE if you feel like I would be better off with someone else, I don’t care if you know about my past, I don’t care that he hurt your heart and you know he’s going to do the same to me. I really don’t give a fuck if you’re mad that he kissed me when he’s supposedly your man. CHECK YOUR MAN! Keep me out of it. I’m not one to disrespect anyone’s relationship, but if your man is going around hooking up with other people under false pretenses, don’t you think he’s the problem? No of course not…never the guy’s fault. That’s why half you chicks are in the predicaments you’re in right now. Trust me I know what it’s like to forgive and tolerate shit you shouldn’t have to. But that’s just it, you don’t have to.

So why settle for a dirt bag liar when you know you can get someone better, whether you deserve it or not? Stop acting like fucking 8th graders and learn how to control yourselves. I don’t need you calling me at 6 am playing Nivea’s “don’t mess with my man” in my ear when I pick up the phone. Be an adult about it. It’s so sad what this world has come to…people don’t even know how to approach each other. Basic communication skills have been thrown out the window and replaced with ‘Fucks’, ‘Bitches’ and all types of ‘hoes’.

Dudes, check ya girls. It ain’t my fault you decided to cheat, lie or do whatever it is you are doing behind her back. Why you even letting her have access to my phone number? Man I’m just tired…

For the record, I am NOT pregnant with Walton or anyone else’s baby. Walton is a guy so automatically I can only take what he says wit a grain of salt. But at the same time he has no reason to lie to me considering whatever he does is not my concern. Then again that never stopped certain individuals from lying to me.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE NOWADAYS? Get a job, learn to knit, rake some leaves, do something to pass the time so I don’t have to hear from you about some dude.

o happy sunday!

2004-11-07T15:46:00.000-05:00

The weekend started out so boring because I was too lazy to do anything. Couple of people invited me places but I didn’t feel like traveling. So my good friend…we’ll call him Walton, he came by and spent Saturday night with me. As usual we have massive fun cracking stupid jokes and telling stories of how hard it was to be popular in High school. You guys just don’t understand the pressures of popularity…But Walton and I click well in that department.
My dog tried to bite him before he even got up the stairs to my room. I assured him my sun-sun wouldn’t harm a fly…lol yea right. Anyhoo we sat in a room lit up by my little ‘mexican interrogation lamp’ and talked. I love being around Walton, he brings out the corny comedian in me.
We woke up to a house full of people. I decided staying in my little hot ass room would be a better idea than to force him to interact with bitter Africans with uncontrollable mouths.
I began putting on his chains, a ‘diamond’ studded bracelet from my own collection, a trucker hat, and a scarf. High Fashion people, you can’t handle it. I took some pictures…of him. Let’s just say, it’s not for the world to see. I have a promising career in photography; Maxim and playgirl-here I come! he he, I kid (no really…)
Now I must face my laptop to write three papers I should have wrote a long time ago. My football Sunday is filled with homework and chicken, and my dog scaring people who are already terrified of her… (We’ve been working on her jaw lock…my baby’s almost ready for human arms and legs)
I believe that I’m bored cuz I’m boring…but that’s not true at all! Ya need to step ya game up…get on my level! LOL

TOO MANY PEPPERMINTS IN MY SYSTEM…damn that cheap Halloween candy!

back in the days...

2004-11-03T23:26:00.000-05:00

The past is such a comfortable place, warm with sweet memories and experiences. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the days of carefree fun, the days when my rebellion was a proclamation of my desired independence, my own little coming out party. Fuck a Cotillion, my presentation to society was filled with angry rock music and a retro Mickey Mouse t-shirt accompanied with JNCO pants that could fit my whole family…

…The days of cutting school with no real reason and running from Manhattans truancy squad in the village, when Washington Square Park was a place to build bonds with people simply trying to find or express themselves. I was 14 and still fit perfectly next to the 23 yo Goth princess and the 18 yo candy raver rocking baby bottles and pacifiers on his chains. (hi Pec)

I even went through a strange reclusive phase when all I did was sit in different NYC parks and watch innocence on the slides ands swings, running clueless about the world’s self destructive ways, not in a kidnapping child molesting way either.

This would also be the time my mom would pray daily to God that it was just a phase because she could not go through life with her only daughter as this weird and crazy tomboy with ‘funky junky’ friends.

I can’t wait till my own kids are going through their own crazy phases and shtuff. Slamming doors and yelling that I don’t understand when truthfully I was there once. (Ain’t gon be no door slamming or yelling, we don’t play that shit in mama Tima’s house. I will break you like a chicken neck)

But the whole parent thing will be fun, to see the other side of life. Yea it can wait though, I got at least 5 more years of to live free and party till my ass breaks.

In the meantime, I welcome the God children ( I have two now : ) ) and the pitbull puppies. Why are people tryna convince me their not the same? You try raising pitbulls from birth, they go from infant to angry teen in 6 months and are far more destructive. And they think I won’t be a good mommy. I be knowing these thangs…

daddy's little girl...

2004-11-02T05:55:00.000-05:00

As I listened to the soothing sounds of a little Miracle giggling on the other end of the phone, I was thrown back into time, back in the days of my childhood, when most of my happy memories are filled with my father’s protective hugs and his comforting smile. A time when I was the princess of my domain, my daddy’s heart.

Moments of encouragement and euphoria, unconditional love and support…hmm…those were the days…

So many of my male friends have kids, specifically daughters. Some are present to see all the ‘firsts’ and ‘news’ experienced when raising a child, others are not so fortunate. ‘Baby mothers’ are a powerful force here in the U.S.; you’d be surprised what the rest of the world felt about mothers at one point.

Believe It or not, females are affected by the presence of a male during the early years. I’m sure you all know the people we interact with during the primary stage of socialization, (ages 0 to 4/5) help in the shaping of the character. So if for example, I was raised by Mama Dione and my homie Avalaishoseana grew up with both her parents, being that I had no experience of having a stable male role model (not counting uncles, older brothers, stepfathers, etc), my mother’s feelings towards men might be what I embrace, and that might not be the most positive. Avalai had the experience of a man in her life so she has her own idea when it comes to the role…ya digging it so far?

Why do you think women end up with the same kind of man their mothers did?

I look for a man that is educated, willing to share responsibilities and be codependent, one that expresses himself and acts as a provider. That’s how my father was when he and my mother were together. Don’t get it twisted though, I’m no Elektra and I’m definitely not looking for my father’s twin. But being that my father played a major part in my life, and was the one who filled the role of ‘the man’ in my family, the qualities he possessed during my happy childhood are the ones I look fort in a partner.

I urge my friends to play that part in their daughters’ lives. Don’t just pay visits and send checks. Get to know your seeds, show her what a good man and father is. You don’t have to be with the mother of your children. But do think about the treatment and attitudes you both have towards each other. Whether positive or negative it affects your kids, and that’s what people tend to forget.

You females that want to cut the father out the child’s life because you can’t stand him, is that fair to your daughter? Of course everyone has their reasons and positions and they all differ from one another…I can dig the circumstances.

But why not give the man a chance to be a good father?

Men, why not try helping raise your daughter to the best of your ability?

I’m no expert, I’m just saying, family is an institution and it’s the last one we can count on in the shaping of our children and their future. God knows Education and Society has failed TERRIBLY!

The last institution (sociologically speaking), think about that, and it’s only getting weaker, Resulting in the single families, divorces, and infidelities.

Do you really want your kids to rely on T.V., society and their peers to know what a father is supposed to be….I sure the hell don’t.

Shout outs to all the father’s doing their best to raise those pretty daughters…

HaPPy MeLLa's BirThday...o yea and Halloween too

2004-10-31T08:55:00.000-05:00

HAPPY BOITDAY MELLA....YOU'RE FINALLY 20! HOPE YOU HAVE LOTS OF FUN STUFFING YOUR FACE WITH CANDY AND CAKE...MISS YA MUCHO! I know you heard about the yankees...ya dominican ass better not be a Boston fan for the year neither, I will disown you. I'll be back on the sinking Island to say hello soon as skool becomes monotonous again. Mucho Besos Chuletta! LoL (ya ain't know i was tri-lingual did ya...)

I'm feeling awfully icky at the moment. My throat feels like it began closing up while i was sleeping and decided against it minutes before i woke up. It's painfully sore and I'm begining to wonder if it was the 17 chocolate chip cookies that could be responsible...

Damn that chocolate, always pulling me in!

MiMi don't hit me, it's that time of the month. My emotions are flowing and chocolate has this epidural effect on me once ingested, all the pain goes away...

Okay people, ya know I have nothing but love for you and I'm not the most Political person (except when it comes to revolting against the govt and being my daddy's daughter), but I feel I should remind you all that Bush is like Crack- ASS and WACK!

I don't even know how many of my friends are in Iraq or Afghanistan fighting a useless war. J. Diaz is in the Navy for God's sake... Yea there was terror and all that but last time I checked, it was Osama we were looking for. I'm not even gonna get into that, and maybe I shouldn't call the war useless but...that's not even the least of the problems.

Did you know that One euro equals one dollar and twenty six cents? Which mean the economy isn't so great. I mean it’s not that bad considering we're comparing it to like most of Europe but still, the all American dollar is losing its power. I mean there's a lot of little issues. For those of you with kids, you gotta think about their education and health insurance and how much you're paying for clothes and Milk.

Freaking $4 bucks for a damn gallon of milk that expires in a week? Man listen…

Point is… you need to vote if you can. Whether it’s for Bush or Kerry, you need to get out there and pick a president. Don’t you remember, the children are the future? Wake up fuckers the future is now!

VOTE !!! You don’t have to die, but I’m sure if you don’t vote, CHuCky's coming afta you!

Malcolm's Thoughts

Tie me up and call me Spanky!

2004-10-30T13:57:00.001-04:00

I gotta be digging you like crazy for you to get the cuddly romantic mushy gush part of me. But dudes seem to just assume that because I’m friendly and loving I’ll get attached.

Me? Attached to something other than phones and my internet? NEVER!

But this one guy, we’ll call him Mr. Pink, felt the need to remind me that I cannot be attached in a friends with benefit situation. I was almost hurt that he would think that I, TiPeach the princess, would get attached. I mean don’t get it twisted I’m digging him like crazy but we both are in a place where friendship is more important that jumping in all that mushy shit. Just because we cuddled, doesn't it mean I’m going get attached, does it?

I mean yes I own a vagina and it comes with all these stereotypes and complications, but my testosterone level is off the charts (would explain my sexual appetite but I wonder where the beard and detachable penis come from…) Point is, I don’t get attached to whoever treats me nicely.

I do however believe that a consistent physical connection that is satisfying your sexual needs and desires makes you come back for more. The more you’re satisfied the more likely you are to get attached to the person satisfying you and begin looking at him from a romantic point of view despite the contract you may have. Simply, fuck buddies catch feelings after a while, of course that’s circumstantial but I think the sexually active masses will agree with me.

You can definitely have a friendship as the basis of your sexual relationship with someone who understands whatever terms you lay down, but that doesn’t mean your not going to look at him/her one day and think, damn ‘Mr. Pink is so cute when he burps and scratches his ass’. I mean shit happens, natures a bitch. Spring makes you horny, winter makes you mushy…

Man I don’t know…maybe he told me that because he wants me to get attached, on some reverse psych shit. Maybe cuz he doesn’t know me as well as I’d like him to, most people don’t anyway. Eh fugedaboudit…it’s nothing…Just know that cuddling doesn’t always lead to attachment, not in my world anyway.

They're happy tears....really

2004-10-26T23:14:00.000-04:00

It like the bubbling cauldron of emotion has been poured onto the fire. I am numb, not because my heart stopped beating; it's the truth that has punctured it and frozen my body as my it bled...

It was this feeling of freedom and agonizing pain at the same time. My nonchalant state was quickly altered when the truth was spoken, just when denial started getting comfy in my soul.

The truth never seems to find me peacefully, it's always a big commotion, a big hoo-ha. I don't even know...where to begin. My minds just replaying the words...making this last year, so much more unreal that it already has been....i need to talk about it, but i can't. My pain isn't letting me.

It's funny because I had to write a paper on Destructive Love. I was putting it off because i said i didn't have enough to write about, I couldn't even get past the introduction. Irony again. Damn that irony, always there to laugh in your face, kick you when you've already been thrown down the stairs into a pile of tacks and rusty nails while being repeatedly stung by angry bees.

I know i can move on from this and not feel like i may be missing out on this great experience love is supposed to be. I mean i've been saying for so long I was over him. So why does the truth even matter now....

Because it still hurts, now matter how long it's been since he's been by my side....

Yadda Yadda Yadda....

2004-10-26T01:41:00.000-04:00

You know guys, I'ma shitty writter. Well maybe not shitty, but like inconsistent, unfocused, and a whole bunch of other negative things i really dont feel like writing about myself. The point is, there is no point i just felt like saying that. So how about ya don't down me and shit, i don't do this for a living, it's like a hobby. I thank you....

In other news, a year has passed since my heart last danced with love. The music stopped too early, and i lost the beat in my step, stumbling foward into the arms of the temporary. Love no longer liked to watch me move. These days, it's loneliness that's overcome my soul, driven me mad, mad for love unspoken. Yearning for the passion filled freestyle dances for our lips, choreographed by the rhythm of our hearts unison...it's too bad i'ma shitty dancer...

I want to move out of my house so badly. I just finished getting the "tima, your the bad kinda gemini" speech. At one point there was like 6 pair of "twins" living here, running around tryna find their true selves. Any way, birthing me a week before her own birthday, my mom definitely had no idea that i'd be this much trouble (it's her, not me). I'm so tired of being the lost and confused, crazy and deranged, unstable and annoying gemini. I mean shit, the fact that i'm 20 and going through this whole " finding my self and forming my foundation for my 30's" stage could be the reason why. But don't tell the family that! No No, God forbid I actually be sane and just living the young adult life in this great country called America.

I'm just tired of the criticism. I can taste the freedom everytime I'm in manhathan. Just teasing me block after block. I even get this weird feeling in my stomach every time i go to the city, like my soul is fighting my physical... I know what needs to be done, and i needn't speak on it any more.

I'm happy again!

2004-10-13T01:08:00.000-04:00

Hiya guys, i know i've been in a stinky mood lately but i'm a-otay now! Yanks been doing well and so have the Giants so im chin chilling....gotta get Mos' album still, I'm broke.

So I've been asking some people if guys and girls can be friends...like a platonic relationship where the two aren't mushy or humping, and lots of people, can't tell you how much cuz it was a bootleg survey. But basically, everyone feels like yes, a platonic relationship can be achieved between a male and a female but sooner or later, someone is going to want some booty. Attraction increases as you get to know someone you're compatible with i guess. Friendship is a good basis for a relationship. I mean you get to know a person without all the romance clouding your vision so u can get the best and worst from them. I now can understand why my boyfriends had problems with me having so many male friends.

After a while you start looking at that friend and thinking, " gee, 'kyle' sure would look good in a male thong and some chaps..." Maybe not the chaps but you get my point.

But as i think about it, unless the friend is gay/lesbian, or freaking ugly to the point where your friendship is based on you feeling sorry for them, there is no way u can avoid having to deal with someone catching feelings or wanted to flap. That's just the way life works.

Ok enough of that i really didn't want delve into that, frankly i'm tired of writing...it seems like people feel i need an editor because i ramble...but last time i cheked this was the 'rants and raves of a psycho peach' ....anyhoo...i'm outie...gotta go bore some more people...

shit aint sweet no more....

2004-10-07T14:51:00.000-04:00

these days are filled with repetitive speeches and annoying people. I'm tired of the know-it-alls that don't even have their lives together. And if one more person tells me how fucked up i am for not calling em....actually if u feel that within the next few days your going to try to yell at me, just ask yourself this;

1. are you helping me find a job?
2. you helping me make any type of money?
3. are you gonna pay my phone bill and credit cards?
4. or are you gonna sit, bitch, and moan about how i need to call you so i can know that your bf looked at the next bitch or that your girlfriend might be a liar?

if it's question 4 that pops up, don't bother cuz right now i don't need friends to comfort or badger me i need friends to aid me in my seemingly neverending journey for freedom and independence. I'm tired guys, of the bullshit from everyone, not excluding myself of course. Again, i apologize if i haven't been here for you like u'd like me to, but i do have a life to live. And although it's going nowhere fast, i'm in the process of working on that. So please work with me. If you're against me....it's been nice knowing you.

I'm too old for the bullshit, too young for the headaches, so please fall back if you coming to me with either one. Shit ain't sweet no more, i got growing up to do and i'm not letting anyone stunt my growth.

Peace.

saturday night....

2004-10-04T13:41:00.000-04:00

From your looks, i could tell you were disappointed in the nights end.
You showed it when you pushed me against my wall as we layed .
Maybe you're a selish sleeper, but the forced affection proved me right.
So i asked " why the arm around me?" , but you brushed me off with that annoying ' i'm not answering' laugh.
I should have expected it, but giving you the benefit made the doubt disappear.
It's funny how the temporary works, how i knew all along.
Now you casually ask questions as if my life were a major concern, but deep down we both know.
Your girl calls, you answer quickly, but when the question is asked, you hesitate. Don' t try to explain what i already understand, because there's no such thing as a 'week long girlfriend'.
Those words bring no comfort to my soul, instead they push me to demote you; friendship is your last chance.
The temporary is just that, temporary, so don't worry yourself.
I'm already over it, over you...

freaking thursday!

2004-09-30T15:50:00.000-04:00

today might as well be monday as shitty as it's been. Seems like everything is going bad for everyone. I feel like absolute shit and the rain, although it usually relaxes me, didn't make anything better or easier for me.

I was thinking about getting into politics, not to become a diplomat or anything but doing something. I'd have to do more research to see what my options are. I've inherited alot from my father and i think I'd do a good job. My attention span would pose as a problem but i think that goes for anything i plan to do. Eh who knows what I'll end up doing...I need to center myself and start taking responsibility for my life, seems like no one else want to. I just dont know where to start but i guess it's just one of those things you just gotta jump into. I can't exactly think about it or else it'll try and psych myself out and place blame on other people. Daney knows what i mean if no one else does. I'm not up for explaining anything today. Things gotta start changing and the only way that'll happen is if i get off my fat ass and make em. It's so depressing out today. I need money...

Tonight the first presidential debate will air on tv. I can't wait. Do ya know, i've been going around NYC yelling, " Vote John-John 2004" and i dont even know much about the democratic candidates. I'm not too sure what their platforms are and what they say they're gonna work on while in office, so tonite should give me a good idea. If i could vote, i'd go for them just because they are the lesser of two evils. Bush needs to just go hide in a hole and count his money or something. I was so hurt and shamed when i found out he's a gemini, but then again that explains alot. I still want that shirt with a girls lower extremeties and his picture saying, " good bush, bad bush". Talib was rocking that one in XXl magazine. I also noticed that i volunteer alot of uneccessary information, but fuck it, it's what flows from my mind.

In other news, i miss my hs english class, and i think Mr. Vicari should be a college proffessor. I would definitely pass all my classes, not because i know he thinks i'm strange but likes me nonetheless, but because he was the only real teacher i'v ever had. He challenged me and made me tap into the darkest part of my mind so i can bring out the best of me in all my work...God i'm all sappy and shtuff. I think i'll pay him a visit tmorrow. I miss his warm hugs and symbolisms.

I think i'll give my father a call and see how Germany is treating him. I can't wait till i can tour europe. Hopefully that'll be next summer if nothing goes well here in the states. I need some inspiration, an italian lover, and some crepes. I've been wanting to go to Italy since i was a wee little peach. I've made it to France though on a few occasions, and i just found out that my mothers brother is residing in Madrid with a really rich wife. So spain here i come. Some one should come with me. Who wants to tour europe after i get back from Miami with my older bros? Comeon guys, once in a lifetime opportunity! Summer 2005 is right around the corner gotta start planning now! Hit me up...well email me cuz I STILL DONT HAVE A PHONE!

ciao

No life without Technology...

2004-09-28T01:13:00.000-04:00

I absolutely cannot continue living like this. It seems like i'm back in the stone age, or a village deep in my country. Living this life without technology, in New York...I'm depressed as hell. Haven't seen anything on cable tv. I have, however, managed to sneak in a couple of football games here and there at friends' houses. Sad but neccessary, gotta keep up with my teams.

My phone bill is $551.16 - before any comments, those of you who know me, it's the 99 cent store bills that pilled up because i thought Nextel would give me a break. Naive? Yes, but it was the month and a half of service that fooled me. Sprints cuts u off if you're a penny over i hear...(sigh) either way, I'm screwed. I don't even know the internet story, i just miss it. Dial-up sucks! I need a palm pilot....

In other news, just this saturday i had a revalation. I've realized that i am a 'serial dater'. The men in my life represent something deep...so deep I'm not even gonna touch it...( ah-ha)

With nothing but school, the never ending search for inner peace and a really good diet to keep me busy, I have no choice but to indulge in the words of others. Reading has become a big part of my life again. One that disappeared when I discovered that socializing satisfies my soul. Hmm...well "New York" and "Psychology today" were this weeks magazine picks.

Apparently there's this skinny-pregnant woman craze going on these days, especially in NYC. I'm not gonna lie, my sole purpose for wanting to lose weight is so i can look cute during pregnancy. My godson's mother and ex-college suitemate, ( watup birdie?!?) looked absolutely marvelous before, during, and after pregnancy. We call her the M.I.L.F. of the group (mmc 4life). I don't want to lose my sense of self cuz i decided to get knocked up. I like my physical self, took me years to love physical me. I'd hate for a big-headed mini-me or mini-husband to mark his/her territory by fucking up what i've worked so hard on maintaining. ( NOtice i said husband...not babyfather) Maybe the physical is trivial, but i'm attached to it. Not quite the Platonist here. I know for sure I wouldn't jeapordize my baby's health though. That's not me and it's definitely not that serious. It's just fat and vaginal elasticity and appearance anyway. O : )

In time i'll get over it and live with fat. Hopefully, i don't transform into a beast. Ok this has become girl-talk, sorry guys. Back to present Tima!

My phone will be on within the next 10-14days. I'm actually working on it. Gotta rebuild my bridges again. Life is hard man! I miss my circles. I need intellectuals in touch with their hearts around me, I'm no longer stimulated. I'll be taking applications until Halloween (10/31) I need some rebuilding my damn self...Let's hope i can fit that in between this 5 pg paper and planning my birthday party. (sigh) Tuesday...i usually smile on Tuesdays...

English Class

2004-09-22T11:03:00.000-04:00

Chills traveling down my vertabrae, forcing out shivers through my skin. Rubbing my hands together, i hope the friction produces heat for my soul. The wind blows, causing leaves to cirlce the air around me. In the midst of nature's confusion, I am alone. Standing still and holding myself. Yearning for the touch of another, for the only comfort I've ever really known is that of my own.

The wind carries my wishes and dreams to far away lands, as swaying branches surrender their leaves to it's uncontrollable power...fluttering about before me, whispering sad tales of solitude. Each leaf following it's designated path, traveling forth to an unknown destination. I blink, trying to follow each journey, trying to read each tear, still standing alone.

My heart steadily becomes the beat of my lonely song. The leaves whisper verses of pain and desertion, songs of thruths that could not be swallowed whole. I alone face my reality, lips lifeless so words could not be uttered, apologies could not be spoken. I've scarred many with these lips, sucking them into my world, capturing hearts with deceitful kisses. My vengeful soul raped the next man for the last's inflictions. Revolting against love, finding comfort in the pain cried by others, all the while paving my path to loniless....

Now my heart feels no love, just gusts of lust each and everytime...and there is no redemption for my sins. Forgiveness can never be granted to me...

Yea i need some loving pronto...it's getting serious guys- don't let it go down like this...

Beginning of God knows what...

2004-09-20T11:22:00.000-04:00

So it's monday and i'm feeling quite alright, considering I've had no breakfast and I would have been late to class if the teacher was on time. Also I've got this nasty ass phlegm in my throat, just bubbling...it's nasty really. LoL I'm just kidding. But really the phlegm is there.
The cd for today is a classic. One that i know everyone can and will enjoy once they pop in. The incredible, MOS DEF-Black on both sides. Guess what guys...his new ones coming out october 19th , aren't ya freaking excited! It's called 'New Danger'( go get that asap). I know Spongeboogie is...and so is Ashbooty and NiNY! Well good by golly, i'm just so happy. Oo how can i forget my dear Ducky. I know she's just bubbling inside! Literally...In the meantime, Talib Kweli is in stores on the 28th so go get that.
Well, there's so much on my mind but i can't really express it. I'm at a loss for words when it comes to the personal and private. I can only feel it. I've reach a new level of loniless, one that feels a little like those pricks you get on your finger when you go to the doctor. Like the unsuspecting sharp pain it brings. That's how i can describe this phase. I'm always surrounded by people...or dogs, so it's not like I'm by myself. But deep down, i am. It's corny i know but hey it's me.
I've been doing alot of thinking now that I'm cut off from the world ( thanks nextel....can't even help a broke sistah out). I'm a shitty ass friend. Only because i had free incoming and it's just so much easier for me not to call anyone. My older brother, Frylock is going through something and i feel bad cuz i can't even take 5 minutes and stop complaining to listen to him. I've realized that i've made a reputation for myself and it's not a good one. I'm now known as the ' I'll call u back even though i know i'm not, undependable, sweet promises harsh reality really good friend i wish i spent more time with.' Well i just wanna take this time out to apologize, since i don't have a phone to call ya with. I'm truly am sorry from the bottom of my cold and shallow heart. I promise to be a better friend. I pinky swear I'm at least gonna try to. Cut me some slack it's bad enough i'm bipolar tryna maintain a stable life...i can't exactly be superfriend. So work with me...I promise i'll try. ok i'm bored and i see cute guys....I'm off...Love Ya all~~CiAo!

Sleepless in Yonkers...

2004-09-19T18:58:00.000-04:00

It's been a hectic little jewish vacation. I've gotten so little sleep i don't even remember what I've done. And why the hell does everyone feel the need to wake me up so early in the damn morning...I've had so many interrupted dreams. It's too bad I'll never know if Jadakiss really loves me....(sigh)
Everyone keeps gettin on me about the damn dog. It's funny how when it comes to the money i'll get for the puppies, everyone's supportive but when it comes to feeding her, all of a sudden niggas ain't responsible for her or her shit.
Anyway, life's boring right now. I'm not talking about any dudes in this entry, they're all gettin on my nerves...Back to school tomorrow, o joy- cannot wait...really.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TENASHANAE!!!! HOPE YOU FOUND A LIQUOR STORE IN LI TO GET THE PARTY POPPING!!!